It sometimes is sad that the people who love you most are the ones who can't seem to understand you.
I've had people say this to me before - "Why do you take your work so seriously? Why can't you say no? Why did you not do this, why do you have to do that? Why didn't you tell them that?"
Let me explain my situation, I am only a month old in this organisation. I am a single mother. I need the job like fish needs water. My youngest is sickly and pneumonia-prone, so the medical benefits that come with this job is heaven sent.
And thanks to a dead-beat ex, I never had the chance to save mounds of cash over my working years that would catch my fall.
I need to be a yes-woman. At least for now. I have yet to make my mark, I have yet to prove my mettle.
And I just expect some form of understanding from my loved ones. If you can't give emotional support, just please, please understand.
I can't afford any form of emotional burnout. As it is I'm experiencing some of the symptoms already - I often feel that I'm an outsider observing my mental process.
I am alone. I am the breadwinner. In spite of my weak exterior, I've always survived. Please don't let me fall this time.
16 comments:
i have been following your blog for quite some time. and though i do not know you in person. i feel that you are a nice person and i hope that you will get through this.
you go girl!
you've always been strong (a lot stronger than me definitely) and you can do this.
just..say..YES
:p
Obviously you wrote this entry before hearing me out, and now you know why I do not want you to burn yourself out.
I've been where you are now working hard for money so I can feed my family, harder than you are doing now.
No matter how much money we earn it will never be enough until you sit down and list your overheads and find that what you earned previously was more than enough if you spend it well. At one point in life not too far back I was earning only 2.5k paying a rent for 800 and car for 650. I could still feed my family of four then and still go on vacations with them.
Then I had a job that paid me a 5-figure salary. I never got to see my kids much. And my weekends was always spent recovering from mental fatigue.
I quit. Because I didn't think it was worth it. Not worth this short life that God has given me for me to enjoy and nurture my loved ones. I quit with having 9 mouths to feed, a house rent to pay. But I enjoy my life now.
Look at the clock everytime I pick you up. Calculate the number of quality hours you get to spend with your loved ones. More often than not, you return home and the kids are already asleep. I also realised that during the whole of last week's working days, you saw your youngest less than an hour. You see him as we rush to go out when he rushes to hug you and bid you farewell, then you return to a darkened house and he's already asleep. Is that how you want him to grow up?
We had this talk yesterday when I went to pick you up. But I am writing this here now because I have to make myself understood. You yourself admitted that your work schedule is so crazy that even if I am not here with you, you'd still want to quit. I find your new job inhumane. Your lunch hours are filled with meetings. Or, you'll be having meethogs over lunch. Even dinner time your boss would make it compulsory for you to attend meetings.
The final straw was when you asked me to pick you up at 1pm so you could make it to a brain storming session your boss had suddenly conjured at that time, and it was to be in Singapore at 6pm! Ask if anyone could ever understand that? We've had our vacation cut short because your eldest fell ill. But now, he's coughing with sore throat, the youngest is breathing phlegm, and you cannot say no to a boss who doesn't have a family nor can understand family values. Remember the text message sent to you asking you to get your maid to look after them so you can rush to Singapore for the goddamned brain storming session? Ask anyone who reads this if they could understand your sense of priority for saying YES you can attend, and ask if they can understand your boss.
And by saying you are the bread winner, you push me aside and forget my contribution as your husband-to-be. Do you think I would shirk my duties as a husband? I have been bringing up SIX children single-handedly. I never run away from my responsibilities. To be equated to your irresponsible ex is the greatest insult ever. I could have said what's the difference between you and my ex who was all for money, neglecting the children in the process? I know you are a much better person than she is, but I can choose to equate had I wanted to.
Money is NOT everything in life. And money cannot buy back lost times.
It is because I love you that I had to be hard on you yesterday. You have a lot to fear if I stop talking because it would mean I no longer care.
Ya la Jazz
Money not everything... but everything involves money...
Very the susah one la..
Just for the record for those who do not know it already, I have four children of my own, and two step children. They ALL live in MY house. And I go for the PTA meetings and go to sign the report cards of all those who are schooling, be they my flesh and blood or not.
After talking to her, she realised that since we've been together, she's been spending less per month compared to what she'd been spending when she was single. And yes it was by her own admission that she cannot cope with the demands of her current job, where she is the only one with a family to feed. The rest are without spouse and/or children.
Jazz is a great woman, wonderful wife material, loving mother to three children, great cook. But she can sometimes be impulsive, and would at times, according to my observation, forget the fact that I now exist in her life to care for her, to take that role as her other half. Not because she purposely does so, but more because of the bad experiences she faced in her previous marriage.
I can only pray that I have the strength and wisdom to guide her, advise her, and love her as best as I humanly can.
She is the love of my life, and it saddens me to see her fall ill last week because of the rigorous but amazingly ridiculous work schedules. I do not think it is worth the money and perks they're giving her. She would have been better had she stayed with her old job.
However, it should be noted that she applied for this current job before she and I dated, not just to earn more, but also to get away from things that remind her of her bad past.
Awwww hey... Even though I don't know the two of you personally, I hope you'll allow me to say this:
Jazz, I used to pretty much put work as a priority too since my hubby is very accommodating to my work schedule and I have to live up to my predecessor's excellent reputation in terms of working hours and job commitment (she was a single, unmarried woman). Then I came across this question - when you are on your deathbed, will you be thinking of work, or of your family? Who will be by your deathbed, your work, or your family? I have since slowed down, and right now looking for opportunities where I can slow down even more. I want to stop and smell the roses before it's too late.
SD, yes, she may be slaving herself ill, but she DOES have mouths to feed, and she HAS to prove herself to her new employers. You can't expect her to do the same with her job like you did with yours when it was too stressful. And although I'm sure the two of you are made for each other, and that both of you are husband and wife material, still, she has to provide for her family since you are legally not family yet. I would stick to this if I were her. I think that's only logical (and the safest thing for her to do since you yourself said she has faced bad experiences in her previous marriage). It's not a question of forgetting about your existence.
Whatever it is, I think the both of you make a sweet couple so don't ruin that and I hope you get this sorted soon.
Much love.
I decided to slow down more than 3 years ago. I made that decision when the management asked me to remain in a proposal discussion after I told them that my son just had a fall at the day care, his head was swollen and bleeding and the daycare owner was screaming over the phone for me to come and fetch my son quickly because she thought he needed to be brought to hospital a.s.a.p.
I arrived at the day care rather late, his swollen head looked really bad; and when I brought my son to SJMC, his wound was big it had to be stitched and he also had to undergo CAT-scan. He had a hairline fracture on his skull which took months to recover.
That day, I realized I was just another company's resource. I decided to go to another company that treat it's resources better. Work is just work, regardless of how much moolah we're getting monthly. It shouldn't put us in a position where we have to choose between family and career.
But your situation might be different, I don't know...
i understand how jazz feels. it runs in the family. our dad is a workaholic and sad to say, i am too.
i work seven days a week plus my private lessons at home, translation/proofreading and two vending machines to take care of.
don't ask me why i do this. but i wouldn't be doing it if i didn't have to.
Blueberry, thanks for the input. The issue has actually been resolved even before I posted my first comment. While I understand her need to feed the family, I fail to understand the level of absurdity she has to go through. She's a victim of corporate ladder climbers who push and shove each other so they can go further up.
While I agree that she has yet to prove her mettle, I disagree with her burning herself out trying. When she fell ill and was bed-ridden, the Berry never stopped buzzing incoming e-mails and calls came in just to ask her to handle a few things from home.
I never used to drive her to work because she is one independant woman. But when she complained about falling asleep at the wheel, and once called me because she was presyncope while driving, and several times more at work, I had to remove that burden off her. Her friends can testify how she'd just doze off in front of them at the dining table while HOSTING them dinner over the weekend. Her boss makes her work over lunch that her lunch break would be reduced to just 5 minutes of whacking tapaued lunch at her cubicle. Her colleague has no life nor friends outside work that she watched Dark Knight with her mother! I wouldn't go thru all that just for money while losing my whole life, family and friends. When I die my boss would be more concerned about finding my replacement than of asking my son how's he coping with life after my passing.
I only hold to one thing. Time is a precious thing that money can't buy. Time is all we have. We might one day find that we have a lot lesser time than we thought we'd have.
hi all, i have no time to address your specific comments (yeah, I'm THAT busy) but thanks for helping me put things into perspective.
SD, thanks for always being there - and yes, I can understand your frustration sometimes. Well hopefully things will all get better after we move Down South!
I do hope so, Honey. But judging by your boss's response to your moving to the new office, I can foresee more crap that he's got to throw at you.
42 years I have waited for you. I don't intend to spend another day having you raise your voice in the car at me for no reason like the other day cos your boss keeps throwing work at you and you find it difficult to know where and which task to be done first. Then even my mere words to help cool you down seemed hostile to you.
hello...berapa lama nothing daaaa....kikikiki
ola jazzy!
kmr aku takde idea and takde masa.. new posting coming up soon
jade.. ola!
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