why ask why (drink bud dry)

Somebody asked why.

Why do I "tell the whole world" about what's bugging me, my supposedly private moments, private thoughts?

Maybe that someone does not understand the whole concept of blogging.

Well, I don't either.

I know why I blog, though.

First, I don't have enough money for a psychiatrist. With three kids and a recent big D plus a very complicated love/non-love life, a job that drives every ounce of energy out of my being, and my moonlighting attempts at making ends meet - I deserve a session or two with the shrink at times. I think I've watched too many movies and you know the scene where the psychiatrist always tells the patient to write things in a journal. Do real shrinks give that advice too? So here I am, writing away on my blog. As per advise from TV shrinks the world over.


Second, I've always been a writer. At certain phases of my life, I've always kept journals. They're all destroyed though. It was never my intention to recollect the past - those were just my avenues for venting out.


Third, I am a compulsive shopper. If I have time on my hands, I'll scramble to the nearest mall. Maybe under the pretext of having a cuppa, but then again I will secretly saunter to make an unnecessary purchase or two (or even three at times). So now when I have time, I blog. I refuse to go to the mall. Except when coaxed. Or enticed. Or when I'm upset with a certain someone. Oh yes, I'm sick like that. So, better blog, kan?

And fourth, I have so much work to do on this laptop that I need a bit of a digression. Honestly, my to do list never ends, and all of my work is in this lappie. So in between my media releases, timelines, writeups, copy for ads or company profiles, - here I am - on the Blogger dashboard.

Sometimes the things that I blog about is not in its entirety. I have secrets too. I have rotting bodies and skeletons in my closet as well. So no, this is not wholly me. It may be pieces of my life, but there are other bigger pieces that I choose to keep private.

So there. To sum it all up, I blog because I'm broke and I need to keep my sanity.

Oh wow.

the supposedly kick-ass post

My blog has been compromised (like Guile’s). But unlike hers, mine was compromised many moons ago. And so from an online outpouring of emotions, it became a journal of sorts – my soirees with friends, a typical online diary of the things that I do. What I had written earlier had hurt people and in turn has made them unfairly judge me solely based on my writings. It's not that I really care what they think but there are bigger reasons to why I stopped my emo entries.

But today I decided to open up again. I’m just gonna f*ck it and write what I think. Again.

This was supposed to be the kick-ass post that I wrote during fasting month:

I wonder. Is it just me or is everyone else on this planet having problems with their marriages. Well at least I am not in one anymore.

Of late, there have been many, many friends (old and new) who have come to me to share their relationship stories. Yeah, why me you may wonder – I am as screwed up, if not more, than anyone else. Unlucky-in-love should be my middle name.

I suppose the birds-of-a-feather adage has some truth in it eh? I felt good, sharing with others what I’ve gone through and providing them my two sen has proved to be somewhat therapeutic at times.

All these stories share a common theme – LOVE. Love and infidelity. Love and the difficulty of showing how. Love and the unwillingness to commit. Love and how it is not enough. Love and lip service. Love and acceptance. Love and loss.

Someone once told me that he loved me. When I was much younger and a guy tells me that he loves me – I would just melt away and that would just make my day (or year sometimes). I wanted that “I Love You” phrase so much, so bad, that maybe it’s just hearing it that matters and not from who I hear it.

But this person first said his I love you last year, (yeah, I was already old and jaded and not 18). It made me stop and think. And I simply told him, “Love is a big word.” Not so romantic, right?

I was flattered, yes. I loved him, yes. I so wanted to bloody say I love him.

So instead of replying with an “I love you too”. I sighed. I felt like telling him – to say you love someone and yet not be able to make that leap of faith, is sacrilege.

Let me get back to my point, I digressed a bit up there.

Marriages broken, marriages patched up. I sat in bed today thinking what is all this? What does it conclude? What is this thing in a nutshell? What does it all boil down to?

Today I formed a theory. The mother of all my theories. And the theory is if your partner cheats on you, once, twice, thrice. It’s best for you to just let go.

If your partner tells you up front she’s in love with someone else. She IS. There’s no two ways about that. Maybe you should give it another try to work things out. But if that one try doesn’t work, don’t torture her or yourself. Let her go. She knows best, and you don’t need to put up with the infidelity crap.

You have kantoied her once, twice, thrice. You know she is not in love with you yet you pin her down, hurl her with verbal abuses, continue to harass her every minute of the day. Not enough with her, you harass the third party. Do you think you can force someone to stop loving? Do you know how hurt it feels when you love someone and you have to suppress that feeling?

Someone I know even allowed her hubby take another so as not to be trapped in the vicious “kantoi” cycle . This selflessness is something that I wholeheartedly admire. The selflessness to let go – to tell the person that you love that if he/she doesn’t love you, then it’s not worth staying in the relationship . This selflessness is rare.

I know it hurts, to be dumped, to be left alone, to be divorced. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, give it a go and you will feel more empowered. There’s nothing more pathetic than staying together and knowing that your other half is in love with someone else. And it’s even more sad to stay in a relationship just because it is simply convenient.

Some people say it’s because of the kids. Oh, we stay together for the kids’ sake. But this is YOUR marriage, it is YOUR life. And if YOU are not happy, you won’t be a good parent to the kids and your kids will be worse off when they grow up.

I know I’ll be getting a lot of hate mails after this. But this is what I think. Too many people have come up to me and tell me these stories. For me the solution is simple, let them go if you can’t take the heat. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I do believe in perfect marriages, perfect matches, kindred spirits and all those wonderful things. But in this world we live in, your happiness and sanity are much more important than having someone you call a spouse.

And in the end, love is what matters most.

bibik oh bibik (i want my life back)

An update: My bibik won't be back till next week (tak tau bila).

So for all of y'all who wants to take me out for teh tarik, or donuts (be it JCo or Big Apple) or ones who've invited me for their lovely open houses - you guys will have to wait till maybe this coming weekend!

My ex H got this sms from her "Kepala imigresen masih lagi cuti. Hanya tunggu tandatangannya minggu hadapan". Why did she sms my ex H? Beats me.

Kepala imigresen? Kepala hotak kau! Ish. Ok lah I shouldn't swear (was that a swear word?). The bibik has been performing very well for the past two and a half years. Can be categorized as star performer la to date. So far this is the longest leave she's been on. BUT I AM GOING BONKERS HERE!!! Ok... take a deep breath, inhale... count to ten...exhale... imagine you're some place calm and green with a loved one... *sigh*

Thank god there's someone in Batam that will hunt for that Kepala Hotak Imigresen guy to get his signature ASAP. I have to thank my dad for that. Thank you. Again, you saved the day. And thank you for loaning your maid to me during bibik's absence. Although Yunus completely hates her, at least there's someone around for the cleaning up, laundry, and other horrifying home chores.

On another more exciting note - I cooked Mi Bandung Muar for a few friends on Wednesday. Thank you Ita and family, Hana, Arab and Ayu n Adian for dropping by. Was really stressed out and needed to cook something. As usual, whenever something stresses me out I'll take it out on the kitchen stove. Which is good. I think. BTW, this is not the open house ok. It's more of a Stressed Out Dinner Thingy which just happened to be in the raya month.

Cik Pretty relishing my Mi Bandung

Cik Pretty's luverly daughters

My Mi Bandung with tulang, it tasted way better the day after I even impressed myself :)

I have yet to set a date for a proper raya open house. Kena buat ke? I entertain you all every fortnight/month what at the apartment. Cheh.

And here are some mati kutu pics I took during third day raya of the three little gnomes:

Some days they'd just wanna kill each other...

Ali Potter all stiff for the photo shoot... Heheh

Her fave princess eau de toilette

a rather bleak Raya...

My elves waking up on 2nd day of Hari Raya

Remember when Raya used to be more festive? I remember looking forward to the fireworks, mercun, the rendang-making, lighting up the pelita and sleeping en masse, on flimsy mattresses, in the living room of my grandma's house. Or how I used to keep my raya shoes in a box under my bed and take them out every day during Ramadhan in anticipation of wearing them on Raya day.

Raya used to be more festive, and meaningful.

Today, we sleep in hotels when we go back to our kampungs. There is no more pelita-lighting. And buying clothes and shoes is just another annual ritual to spruce up our wardrobe, I mean, what's the big deal with Raya shoes anyway.

Well as for this year, by the second day of Hari Raya my brothers and I were already at our wits' end, helping attend to our parents' friends who come by to visit. On second raya we went to Old Town kopitiam to escape the Raya madness. Sipping on their heavenly white milk tea (iced), I chewed on cold toast and wonder why the heck am I back home for Raya anyways.

I try to, as much as possible, avoid my parents' friends when they come visit. I hate the look on their faces when they ask me where my hubby is and then I answered, "He went back to his hometown." There's that confused, pseudo-concern look that I really can't explain. And when I answer them, it's always a curt, unfriendly response which is so unlike me - the me that they know.

Tomorrow, my parents, my brothers and Medina are off to Kuching - to spend raya there more probably to escape the likelihood of more awkward situations like the above. Nice move on their part.

As for me, the bibik won't be back till Friday and I'm contemplating going back to KL with Ali and Yunus. Or maybe to JB for that ikan bakar... I miss my bibik. I need some me-time right now.

I'll leave you with some shots of my brothers during our session at Old Town last nite. Those faces are definitely NOT Raya faces.

Definitely NOT Raya food...

there's something about...

... this year's hari raya. This is my first raya as a single mum with three kids. I thought I was gonna be miserable and sitting in one corner while feeding my kids ketupat and fried chicken. But no, it was actually more fun, less stress and I have a stronger reason to take quick afternoon naps ("Yunus dah sleepy ye, darling? Come mama put you to sleep.")

Downside is, I get awkward questions, more like thirtysomethings yang belum kawin lagi. (ie. bila nak kawin?) There were a lot of "categories" of questions from my aunts and uncles. It really does not help when you have 15 of them bombarding you like nobody's business.

Back to the categories.

A. The konon-konon nak berlapik aunt

Auntie A: So, where's your hubby? Tak balik?
Me: (hmm.. this will be a trick question la) Oh no, he's going back to Kedah this year.
Auntie A: Ohhhhhh... so you all memang la.. dah.. dah...
Me: Dah divorce? Yup. 1st September
Auntie A: Tu la Auntie dah tau, just nak confirm je.

Dah tau buat pe tanya kan?

B. The Preachy-In-A-Good Way Uncle

Uncle J: So how's everything?
Me: Everything's cool... I'm happy.
Uncle J: Tu la, tell your dad. He's got to accept fate. God has better plans for you. Ini semua takdir. He's got something better in store for you. Your father is so worried, but I tell him this all happen for a good reason. You're still young, how old are you? You're not even 40 kan?
(cilakak!!! do I LOOK 40??!!!)
Me: No uncle, I'll be 33 in December.
Uncle J: Ha! Muda lagi tu! You're still YOUNG! Don't worry.
Me: Err.. I think I hear my son calling me.

C. The Oblivious Aunt

Auntie C: Min, I really tak tau.. I just heard from Auntie N about you. I'm so sorry to hear what happened.
Me: No worries auntie. I'm more concerned about when my bibik is coming back at this point in time.
Auntie C: Eh you I really really tak tau. I terkejut ni.

Somehow I think she was not so terkejut.

D. The Positive Aunt

Auntie K: Don't worry Min, your life will be much better. You have so much ahead of you... maybe you'll find yourself a much much better man. By the way... hari tu kan I dapat "xxx" from your friend..

Hahah, ada je nak korek!

E. The Encouraging Single Cousin

Cousin J: Yeay, now when you feel like going out just give me a call k! We can have a girl's nite out.
Auntie E: Abis anak dia 3 orang tu nak letak mana?

Ceh, potong stim la Auntie E!

To all of y'all, have a swell Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin.
I will be at my parents place if you guys wanna come over :) And my parents will be in Kuching (with Medina) from the 16th to 20th.

And this was how I looked raya morning trying to get everybody all dolled up ... Ali snapped this one :) The flipped out mommy...

the week before raya

My hamper sweat shop... Illegal workers from Myanmar (sorry Amanda and Naja!!) working under harsh conditions and the watchful eye of an evil supervisor...

Every year without fail I will always find the last week of Ramadhan to be the ultimate in craziness. In all aspects. And I mean ALL. Especially this year what with the gift hampers that needed to be sorted out.

Remember the day I got sick? Thursday? That night I did the unthinkable. I went out for buka puasa with a person that I haven't seen in 6 bloody years. Suffice to say I felt like banging my head on the bento box for stupidly NOT continuing the relationship with him back in 1998. I was really the Queen of Morons. Now he's got amazingly sexy grey streaks and that distinguished fortysomething look that I would, in an instant, fall for. He's got quite a sexy job too - money, money, money. And that same confidence, slight cockiness and the same comforting way it feels when he's around (and yes, he still calls me Girl)... And I told myself by the end of buka puasa - Snap out of it!

Oh well, whatever's happened has happened. It was a perfectly harmless buka puasa after all - we adjourned to MO after that and had drinks and guffawed about gay guys. See, HARMLESS.

What matters most is that I'm perfectly content with my emotional wants and needs right now.

On Saturday I had to do some gift basket deliveries to JB. Lest I annoy myself to death singing myself silly in the Estima, two of my girlfriends joined the road trip. Due to the tiring night before, I over slept and woke up at 7.45 am on Saturday morning (have to be in JB by NOON!).

Look closer. Only in JB.

The trip was fine. We arrived before noon, yours truly did a Michael Schumi that day - did all that I had to do and headed on to exotic shopping hub of Holiday Plaza, JB. HP should give me a platinum loyalty card and a free parking space lah. Dah two decades jadi loyal mallgoer.

This was not planned - I HAD MY HAIR COLOURED AND HIGHLIGHTED. (and I think it had a bit of an impact to a certain someone-someone *wink, nudge, kick under table*)


Bought an LV laptop bag.

Bought a Chanel satchel.

Pic on the left does not do justice to my newly coloured hair by Monsieur Raymond of Franco.

Have you ever seen a karipap this big? How did it taste like Hana?

Went to bazaar Ramadhan at the Larkin Stadium. HAPPENING! Nasi Ambeng everywhere. Air Kathira plentiful, there was lontong kering, botok botok (some of you mesti nganga), soto, mee rebus. Kuih Bakar - not only the pandan ones but also available in corn, pumpkin and yam! Red rubies and pudding with the milky sauce abound. I've died and gone to epicurean heaven.

On the way back we stopped at Pagoh to eat the Nasi Ambeng that we tapau-ed. And reached home at about 11 pm (i think).

Absolutely tired but the next day I woke up an cleaned up my place, the dumpster that it was.

A happy weekend, absolutely :)

p/s: Ya, I know this blog has turned into a ho-hum online journal of boring things that I do. And I still have that kick-ass post that is still unpublished. Good things come to those who wait. Meantime, those who want to make a trip to JCo Donuts at Pavilion, I need that booty call.

pp/s: Thanx Hana for the pics. I really need to get my camera fixed.

maybe, baby

Been on my feet all day and night since the last post. And it's official - my bedtime has been extended to 3 am daily since the past two weeks or so. That's why Ibu has no time to blog. Ahaks, Ibu????

What have I been up to?

1. In the kitchen - Cooked Chicken Parmesan & Spag Olio again - which Spena lost the photos :( So she said I have to cook another round of those so that she can take new photos for me to upload to my recipe blog. It sounds like a trick, doesn't it?

Cooked Mee Hailam yesterday - collaboration with Hana. Well actually it's the Mee Goreng which turned into Mee Hailam due to the demise of my pink blender :(

My bibik is away and my house is a dumpster.

2. Annual Report - I'm like a full term mommy waiting for the signs of contraction and the baby to come out. Now the contractions are more frequent, but baby's head not engaged yet. Tee hee. Bila nak finalize ni? Today is suppose to be THE day. Keeping my fingers crossed.

3. Gift Baskets - yeay!!! I just realized that I love making these. Even if it means going to faraway places like Nilai 3 on a scorching puasa day and Masjid India/Petaling Street/Chow Kit on Sunday afternoon. One weird thing - people keep bumping me here and there until I almost tergolek in the longkang. And they don't even say sorry or even BOTHER to even look at me. Malaysians, hrmph. Those of you who wants last minute hampers, you know where to find me ya.

Me, the lovehandle queen. Sgt horror kan?

4. 1st October - Ali's 6th Birthday. Since it's bulan puasa we just had a tiny celebration with MY friends. No kids whatsoever. Happy Birthday Ali, the most perfect son any mommy can ever have.

5. Working on my one-year strategic planning to quit my job and how to spend next year's Raya frolicking in Bali.

6. This has also been my official Drama Queen week. With all the bickering and fight-o-rama's I didn't have time to blog. Thousand apologies to those personally inficted.

So there you go SD, sebab-sebab why your Ibu has been away from the Blogger dashboard.

And now, dah dapat MC from the doctor because I have a fever and I'm dehydrated and am going back home. Please wake me up for buka puasa people.