My blog has been compromised (like Guile’s). But unlike hers, mine was compromised many moons ago. And so from an online outpouring of emotions, it became a journal of sorts – my soirees with friends, a typical online diary of the things that I do. What I had written earlier had hurt people and in turn has made them unfairly judge me solely based on my writings. It's not that I really care what they think but there are bigger reasons to why I stopped my emo entries.
But today I decided to open up again. I’m just gonna f*ck it and write what I think. Again.
This was supposed to be the kick-ass post that I wrote during fasting month:
I wonder. Is it just me or is everyone else on this planet having problems with their marriages. Well at least I am not in one anymore.
Of late, there have been many, many friends (old and new) who have come to me to share their relationship stories. Yeah, why me you may wonder – I am as screwed up, if not more, than anyone else. Unlucky-in-love should be my middle name.
I suppose the birds-of-a-feather adage has some truth in it eh? I felt good, sharing with others what I’ve gone through and providing them my two sen has proved to be somewhat therapeutic at times.
All these stories share a common theme – LOVE. Love and infidelity. Love and the difficulty of showing how. Love and the unwillingness to commit. Love and how it is not enough. Love and lip service. Love and acceptance. Love and loss.
Someone once told me that he loved me. When I was much younger and a guy tells me that he loves me – I would just melt away and that would just make my day (or year sometimes). I wanted that “I Love You” phrase so much, so bad, that maybe it’s just hearing it that matters and not from who I hear it.
But this person first said his I love you last year, (yeah, I was already old and jaded and not 18). It made me stop and think. And I simply told him, “Love is a big word.” Not so romantic, right?
I was flattered, yes. I loved him, yes. I so wanted to bloody say I love him.
So instead of replying with an “I love you too”. I sighed. I felt like telling him – to say you love someone and yet not be able to make that leap of faith, is sacrilege.
Let me get back to my point, I digressed a bit up there.
Marriages broken, marriages patched up. I sat in bed today thinking what is all this? What does it conclude? What is this thing in a nutshell? What does it all boil down to?
Today I formed a theory. The mother of all my theories. And the theory is if your partner cheats on you, once, twice, thrice. It’s best for you to just let go.
If your partner tells you up front she’s in love with someone else. She IS. There’s no two ways about that. Maybe you should give it another try to work things out. But if that one try doesn’t work, don’t torture her or yourself. Let her go. She knows best, and you don’t need to put up with the infidelity crap.
You have kantoied her once, twice, thrice. You know she is not in love with you yet you pin her down, hurl her with verbal abuses, continue to harass her every minute of the day. Not enough with her, you harass the third party. Do you think you can force someone to stop loving? Do you know how hurt it feels when you love someone and you have to suppress that feeling?
Someone I know even allowed her hubby take another so as not to be trapped in the vicious “kantoi” cycle . This selflessness is something that I wholeheartedly admire. The selflessness to let go – to tell the person that you love that if he/she doesn’t love you, then it’s not worth staying in the relationship . This selflessness is rare.
I know it hurts, to be dumped, to be left alone, to be divorced. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, give it a go and you will feel more empowered. There’s nothing more pathetic than staying together and knowing that your other half is in love with someone else. And it’s even more sad to stay in a relationship just because it is simply convenient.
Some people say it’s because of the kids. Oh, we stay together for the kids’ sake. But this is YOUR marriage, it is YOUR life. And if YOU are not happy, you won’t be a good parent to the kids and your kids will be worse off when they grow up.
I know I’ll be getting a lot of hate mails after this. But this is what I think. Too many people have come up to me and tell me these stories. For me the solution is simple, let them go if you can’t take the heat. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage, I do believe in perfect marriages, perfect matches, kindred spirits and all those wonderful things. But in this world we live in, your happiness and sanity are much more important than having someone you call a spouse.
And in the end, love is what matters most.
32 comments:
You go gal, thats the spirit. In our community being "janda" really a taboo. Scared being on their own, scared waht people might say.
As for me your happiness is very important. The doors has been shut when they know that you are "janda". You are not welcome to thier house, they suddently not your friend anymore. They scared you might take or share their hubby.
Well i just moved on and I am tremendously happy with my life. I plan my goals and I plan my life, the rest i "pasrah" and the Allah s.w.t. knows what is best for us.
START NEW LIFE AND NEW BEGINNING WITH NEW ADVENTURE AND NEW PATH.
New life, new beginning, new path...like new pair of shoes?
i could live with my husband who was in love with another but i couldn't live with him because he hated me. so i told him to go and staying together because of the kids is not a good reason to save a marriage.
I think kids should be raised by either happily married parents or their preferred parent.
what u said is true.. no point staying in the marriage if one not happy..
been there done that.. and insyallah, i'm a lot happier now altho he and the other woman live miserably.. but who cares..
- yasmin
Quote of the day:
Everybody has difficult years, but a lot of times the difficult years end up being the greatest years of your whole entire life, if you survive them.
-- Brittany Murphy, Seventeen Magazine, September 2003
I have girlfriends who blame themselves for their husb's infidelities. They tell themselves that the reason their husb went astray is becoz they were concentrating more on the kids. At least thts the reason the husbs gave when asked why he's having an affair. But then I start to think. What a load of crap! I mean those kids are his too, right? Takkan dgn anak pun nak jealous kot.
What a stupid reason to give for having an affair. Coz your wife tak layan u, u fall into another woman's arms??!! Why cant the men just talk to their wives abt the problem? Yang gatal2 nak gi kat pompuan lain tu pesal?
hi anonymous, i'm glad to say that the taboo is not as bad as before. remember when we were kids? The J word was like... URGH! Thanks for the positive thoughts.
za, ya like a pair of manolos?
babe, the kids are definitely not a reason to stay in a meaningless marriage. although we don't want to admit it, they bear the brunt when we're stressed out.
dnas, I so agree with you! and amazingly my kids are happier now :)
yasmin, everything that happens has a silver lining. and God is great and He does work in mysterious ways. love your quote of the day too :)
cosmic, totally agree! i believe that there are actually NO REASON for infidelity. jangan la nak blame anak ke, bini tak layan ke, whatever ke. as far as I know, some wives who treat their hubbys like gods pun suffer the same fate. for me, if you cheat, own up to it - either you stop it or you go ahead with your other affair. But most importanly, be a man (or woman) and own up!
Well said.. well said..
Thumbs up!
Can a man now comment, please, Ibu?
I agree with your points. All of them. Being in a marriage for the sake of the kids is wrong. Totally wrong. And if the wife no longer has the heart for you for whatever reason: LET HER GO.
My mother-in-law (my first marriage) begged me not to divorce her daughter. I told her there was very little I could do. She was the one who had initiated the divorce process, and rather than me being zalim towards her for allowing her to continue committing sins against me by going against my wishes etc etc. Top continue dwelling in that marriage would have effectively rendered me a dayus. I would rather die than be one. It's worse than being a post-op tranvestite who'd still grow whiskers after a night in the slammer.
I have a friend who tried saving his marriage because of the kids. The wife ran away with a man to England. He went looking for her (I had to babysit his children). She came back with him. He financed her to read law at a local university. She took a coursemate back home.
I told him to let her go...because she didn't have the heart for him, and for as long as she commits the sins against him, he would be killing himself slowly.
Love, for me, is about totality. When you say you love somebody, it has to be loving that somebody in total...meaning that you should walk the talk and be prepared to face come what may. You don't say, "I love you so much...but I can't be with you", or "I love you but I cannot leave my wife/husband."
It only means one thing to me. The person does not love me enough and I am just an emotional buffer for her to feel good about herself in between being with a bastard of a husband. Well, that would be her reason for infidelity, right? He must have done something bloody wrong for her to even dare turn her back towards him in the first place.
Like I have mentioned several times on my blog. A marriage is made of 3 things: respect, trust, love.
You must first respect each other. The husband is not a tunggul and must be recognised as the de facto leader of the household. But that must not make him a dictator. He must in turn respect the wife to earn that respect. He cannot see her as a subordinate. She must, at all times, be respected as THE partner. Her advices are the checks and balances needed to ensure proper equilibrium in the marriage.
Respect must be followed by TRUST. You must trust your life partner, and must guard that trust the other has given to you. You break that trust, then you will earn no respect.
Love will automatically follow the preceeding two. You cannot say you love a person if you do not trust or respect him/her. So if one screws up, be prepared for the marriage to spiral out of control then crash and burn. You love him/her, love in total, no ifs or buts. Stop giving excuses (he doesn't buy me diamonds/she doesn't fulfil me emotionally). What was the reason you both get married? To fuck for free and do so sin-free?
So love a person without holding anything back...you want to jump into love, jump with both feet high in the air. If your partner no longer has the heart for you, let him/her go.
A pyrrhic victory is no victory.
Sorry, I'm high on drugs right now so please excuse my Francaise.
I have never been married but I have been in love.
Here's my thought. What you said is true. But, as a precaution, one and his/ her spouse should at least try to save their marriage first before deciding to get a divorce. Because sometimes, people make mistakes, people always take things forgranted. The 'love' you have for another person other than your wife/ husband might not be real. You might realize this during your 'second chance'. If things still dont work out, let go. Only then, you'll not regret it.
the ectopy...
You can try, but while the human mind forgives, it doesn't forget. Especially when it hits you the second time.
I only wrote about my first marriage there. My previous marriage was even worse. My wife slept around, I forgave her, took her back in. Three years later, she and her business parters gave the term it was pleasure doing business with you a new meaning altogether.
Going back to the worries of the women, one of the worries is polygamy.
While it is supported and condoned in the Quran, it must be understood that the general recommendation is towards monogamy.
4:2,3) Give unto orphans their wealth, exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth. Lo! That would be a great sin. And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hand possess. Thus it is more likely that ye will not do injustice.
If a man can be fair to all his wives, then he can take more than one wife. Fair here means: I leave house #1 at 8.45pm tonight for house #2, then tomorrow on the dot at 8.45pm, I must leave house #2 for house #1. If I arrived house #2 at 9.00pm the previous night, I must arrive house#1 at 9.00pm too. If I buy a RM20 baju kelawar with the face of Batman on the right chest fpor one wife, I must buy the same for the other(s). How many men can be as fair as that?
The following verse emphasises the fact that it would be extremely difficult to deal justly between more than one wife. If one does put himself in that situation, it is only right to insist that one should not ignore the first wife, but fulfil all the outward duties that are obligatory on him in respect of her.
(4: 129) Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so). But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
Here we clearly see that Allah Almighty tells men that they will never be fair to their wives.
We must understand why and how verse 4:2 and 4:3 came about. The muslims during Muhammad (pbuh)'s time fought many ghazwah or battles, that were costly in terms of lives to the Muslims. Therefore there were many widowed women, and they had to be cared for as to not cause any social problems later.
The verses above (4:2,3) is the one that has been used and abused by men for over a millenium, as a free ticket to marry more than one. That verse came down for the purpose of protecting the Orphans and to increase the number of the Muslims by allowing the men to marry multiple wives (preferably from the grown Orphans at that time), up to four wives only. The purpose was absolutely not for man's sexual pleasure nor privilege, nor was it to support man's personal ego. It was revealed to solve a major social problem to prevent major sins such as illegal sex and prostitution.
Polygamy is not encouraged in the Noble Quran, nor Allah Almighty had allowed it because He really liked it. He was clearly careful to highly discourage polygamy to men by telling them "but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one...(4:3)" which clearly orders men to either be fair or to not marry at all, despite the fact that we lost many men, Allah Almighty still didn't want polygamy to really take place. That's why He later told men "Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire...(4:129)" which clearly nullifies the excuse that He gave them to practice polygamy. Is this a contradiction then? Absolutely not!. It clearly proves that when Allah Almighty allowed polygamy, He only allowed it because we (the Muslims) had an emergency; we lost almost half of our men in those battles if not even more.
So the other argument is, I am filthy rich, or my wife is barren and I want a child, or my wife is sick she cannot fulfill me: go back to verse (4:3)...and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hand possess....
If you can be fair, go ahead. If you can not cause hurt in your wife's heart by implying she is of no use to you sexually, go ahead. If she is barren and you are filthy rich, go seek other ways for her to conceive as there are modern methods, if your lineage is what concerns you most.
However, I will stay away from polygamy, touch wood, as I know I can never be fair. I have committed enough sins in this life. I do not want to add more sins and the headaches of having to deal with one or two bickering and nagging wives.
When you get married, you will know what I mean.
hi SD,
"A marriage is made of 3 things: respect, trust, love." mmm.. Where can i find a man who believe in these 3things.. ada jual kat carrefour tak?
- yasmin
Quote of the day:
"Sometimes you have to let go of something in order to see if it's really worth holding on to."
Quote
"Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls. Because they can."
Samantha, from Sex in the City.
wow kak meen. this is a very deep post. indeed. well said.
Babe belum kahwin, so tak pandai nak comment banyak2. being in and out of love ada lah, dah banyak kali. but still, tak serik to fall in love again. life goes on. when everytime new love comes knocking on my door, it brings new meaning altogether and it teaches me to look at love into diff perpectives. and alhamdulilah so far, it (the love relationship) gets better everytime. insyaALLAH it will be that way for you and everyone else....too
it's good to hear you're happier and kids are too. :)
take care sis.
being there before, i totally agree with your post - totally.
Hi there,
I came across your post and I can relate myself a lot.
The funny thing about being divorced is that people somehow think you are the master of relationship, hence they come to you for advice! (Maybe I should consider changing profession. At least I get paid. :-) )
Anyway, have a good day yeah.
Manolos? Are you nuts? I won't be able to makan nasik for the whole month if I bought those. :p
That Seademon's comment is way too long. :p Kasik link to an entry to your blog lah...heheh
Yasmin...hehehe...me. Actually you can buy me at Bintang Supermarket in Selayang. I'm last on the shelf ;)
Nazra...I'm not supposed to blog for the next 13 days. I am on Puasa 13.
Love. Love. Love.
You can live without it, you can't live without it.
But that's the thing. Love has so many aspects. What you may not get from a spouse, you might get from your kids. And what you may not found in other humans, you can always seek within yourself. You'll be amazed where such journey may take you, and the treasures that awaits you.
If only we knew.
hazyr, thanks mate! i knew you can relate ;)
SD, aiyoooo... blog-crashing nampak. anyway, yes a man can now comment! but your comment definitely deserve to be a blog entry lah. I copy and paste boleh?
the ectopy, hi! I did say somewhere in my entry that yes, there should be at least one try. But if that one try and subsequent tries do not work, why hang on to it? Sometimes deep in your hearts you know it won't work but you're just hanging on for the sake of hanging on. thanks for your thoughts :)
stilletto - i miss sex in the city, and YES, because they CAN!
tissot, hi there dear. doesn't matter whether you've gone through a divorce or not, the basis is the same. and for me it's good if you get married later in life - at least you know that the decision you made is well thought out.
cookie, i bet you can!
ms istanbul, you, cookie and I can start a consultancy. at least we get paid! and it will receive so much publicity as we're the first in the country to do it. Malaysia boleh!
za, SeaDemon is high on drugs and has blog withdrawal symptoms, and I forgive him LOL
yasmin, SD is last on the shelf. Item of the Day - grab him while you can!
ardy, I LOVE DONUTS TOO. Hahah.
hi meen,
can i be your partner?? err.. regards to your consulting business.. sure customer pun pening nanti..
hi SD,
ha..ha. too bad i'm not familiar with selayang area..
-yasmin
Quote of the day:
What's meant to be will always find a way...
Ibu...hahaha...yes I blog-crashed. It's my way of getting your attention and asking you to make me Mee Bandung Republic of Moo-Ore.
If you decide to open up a consultant firm, I want to become a Senior Partner. I think my experience speaks for itself :p
Yes, you may copy and paste. Just make sure you post sans la langue Francaise.
Yasmin...hahaha. Hot item...last on the shelf as Jazzy's pointed out. Maybe you ought to get yourself a KL road map. Someone is about to add me into the shopping cart.
Oh, there was one other thing that I did not touch on...the J word.
Being a J in the asian society is a taboo only because married women think divorcees are women desperate for companionship that they have no qualms about grabbing other women's husband. And wives will try, while showing sympathy for divorcees, not to invite divorcees into their house.
It is when it hits them in the nose and they themselves become divorcees that they realise a J is just, like them, another human being after all.
Men who treat or think of J's like sexually-deprived animals are actually those whose calloused palm and arm are too tired, and have grown somewhat bigger than the other arm, and too skint to screw a RM10 60-year old prostitute, and wished they had taken up gymnastics or ballet when younger so they could give themselves blowjobs.
Whether you are a janda or not, it is how you hold your head up high, and walk tall with pride and dignity is what matters.
Even married women can be so gatal to steal other people's husband. Just look at some politicians' wife.
Taboo is in the head. Otherwise it used to be the title of a successful series of porn magazines and films of the 70s.
Hi Meen (wasnt sure how to address u but that name keeps appearing. So guess i'm safe to call u that. :-) ),
Note to Seademon: Actually, when you become a J, you realise who your true friends are. J is just a title when actually, u have been a single parent for too long and marriage is just on cert. Your true friends acknowledge that and D is just a formality.
Wrt gatal married women/men, even if u are married to a hunk/babe, if there is lack of communication, love will fade. Maybe that's why they go astray. It's harder for women to do so (altho statistically, it's not impossible. Women these days are more daring!) as they often focus on the children and domestic needs, than the lack of love/attention from the hubby.
Seademon should write a post on this! *winks*
Ms Istanbul,
There is another saying that I love:
Absence makes the heart go wander
Why do couples not communicate? Basically it goes back to the three elements I have been mentioning: trust, respect, love.
In my point of view, statistically speaking, it is more frequent than it is difficult for a woman to be daring.
In my case, my ex took advantage of the fact that I am more domesticated than she is (she cannot stay at home longer than 5 hours unless she's asleep) and spent more time outside with her friends, while I send the kids to school, pick them up, take them to the clinic. That is called lack or absence of respect. Then little birds told me that she's been sleeping around too with people who could get her business. I then don't trust her. Then she distanced herself from me that we no longer communicate, and she was spending more time in other men's bed than in mine. Love, if it ever existed, went down the drain.
A friend of mine who hazyr, ardy and spena have met, has a wife who yells at him all the time, and his only reason for hanging on to the marriage is his sons. On the eve of their wedding she disappeared, spent a night at her boyfriend's place. But he loves her, continued with the wedding that was also attended by her boyfriend, who came as the official wedding photographer. He has yet to see any of the photos and they now have 4 kids.
Another friend I helped babysit his little son because the wife fell head over heels in love with this dashing mat salleh and followed him back to England. She thought by marrying a mat salleh she could buy knickers from Harrods on a daily basis instead of from Pertama Complex. He then went to England to look for her, and she came back to him after finding out he comes from some outback farm in the midwest where his family shower once a quarter.
Another friend of mine, after being retrenched, sought the help from his wife from time to time as he had to look for money to pay for the house, food, medical bills, school fees etc etc; the wife earns a 5-figure per mensem salary but doesn't help out. In the end, the wife slapped him with a RM60K++ I.O.U notice. He also bathes and clothes the kids while she becomes a lady of leisure.
So, shit does not hit the wife alone. Even a husband gets it from time to time.
Marrying a hunk or a babe will not guarantee happiness.
Happiness, to me, is to understand the three: trust, respect, love.
Anyway I have written on this matter extensively on my blog back in June 07.
It's 3.50am...almost an hour ago I sent an sms to the woman who lives in this house (my ex) to not come back tonight and to sleep outside wherever bcos since before raya she has been coming home between 1am to 4am. I have just given my son two puffs of nebulizer because he's had an asthma attack, and I have just taken one Xanax to help me calm down and sleep.
I am one weird guy. For the sake of the kids, I allowed her to continue living in this house, so as to minimise the damage. Well, it says so in the Quran that I do not have to chase her out. The alternative would be for my son to suffer frequent asthma attacks staying at her mother's dusty place.
Maybe I am too soft-hearted.
Good night, John Boy.
John F whatever!, seriously, u have literally hijacked this blog and the comment's section lah. i totally agree with nazra's comment that your comments are too long and that you should've put one link to your site and we'll check it out if we want to. You also said this: "Top continue dwelling in that marriage would have effectively rendered me a dayus. I would rather die than be one."..........dang! you should by now have hanged yourself lah a dayus because then you said this: "I am one weird guy. For the sake of the kids, I allowed her to continue living in this house, so as to minimise the damage....Maybe I am too soft-hearted."
I think i'd hang myself if i see another posting from you in this section.
Jazz, your writing is amazing!
Oh well, you can hang yourself now. Cos I also wrote this:
"I sent an sms to the woman who lives in this house (my ex)
anon thanks for the props.
SD, be happy :)
Dah sudah!
So much despair in this comment box....aiyo...:(
If you really love yourself, do whatever you think you have to SD. If you think you don't, do it for the kids will ya?
Bitches and assholes (mintak ampon) will get it from God one fine day.
Just have more faith in Allah.
Min! Better start writing again...gotta change the topic.
za, im cooking up something in between the nasi briyani n my three upcoming events. (pulling hair out one by one)... it's sunday and I'm working on a media release for tomorrow :( Sometimes I thank god that I don't have a hubby or else memang tak dapat layanan langsung. Heheheh....
Chicka... We sail the same yacht, and keep heading for rougher seas with each trip. But we do it all the same. Why? Because we can. I am just happy to be who I am right now and I keep reminding you to be too. We can't shut ppl's mouths, can't influence the way they think. I don't want to even if I could. That's why I'm still unmarried. But its not easy to find ppl who truly love u for your flaws and shortcomings. And if you find one in this lifetime, hang on to them with dear life, regardless if they hv a bitch with a capital "B" for an ex wife who doesn't know how to spell 'shameless' nor 'irresponsible'. Love ya!
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