lest I forget...

Waking up with you at seven,
Is like waking up in heaven.
Nothing that I want than a touch that calms,
Like your touch when you're in my arms

Your body warmed me through the night
We sleep entwined till the early light
Your love flowed through me more and more
And I love you and truly adore...

I truly miss the person who wrote this.

And I pray to God that he will forever remain this way.

my inner SeaDemon, unleashed...

Is that apprehension or fear in your eyes, JZ? Going for the Adventure Deep Dive.

On the 3rd of August 2009, I was officially certified as an Open Water Diver. With a firm handshake from my instructor Nafie, of the Seahorse Dive Centre in Perhentian, and a "Welcome to the club" greet, I felt as if I've achieved something that I never thought I could.

In 1998, while I was working as a Web Content editor - Amanda, my web designer friend and I had worked on a project for Micheal Patrick Wong, a brilliant underwater photographer for an online version of his book, Malaysia Beneath the Waves. In the few instances that Mr Wong met us, he talked ever so magically about the underwater world. From that day on, my interest was piqued.

A marriage, three kids and a divorce later, I stumbled upon a blog by John F Seademon called Narcaholic, hosted at Wordpress. Here was a single father writing about all sorts of stuff from diving to politics to his kids as well as his heartbreaks. I first commented on his blog on September 4 2007, in one of his "great journey" entries. And who would have known that today, this person and I are man and wife.

We got married in March of 2009, and most people ask me why had I not dived any earlier. In fact, The Diver (as he is now known in my blog) has always been gently encouraging me to start diving ever since we started going out in March of 2008.

A few reasons why - first of all, I've started growing flabs ever since I went out with The Diver, dari hari ke hari lemak perut berlapis2. So yes, I have this inferiority thing about donning a wetsuit (although The Diver always points out to me "see sayang, she's fatter" whenever a diver fatter than I walk in front of us).

Second reason adalah, kalau aku tak pass Open Water tu, adalah kemaluan besar. My stepdaughter Hana did it when she was 13. And at 17, she's an Advanced OW already. Cipetkan kalau aku gagal. So, second reason adalah ketakutan yang teramat sangat.

Lastly, the MAIN reason was purely selfish and emo (akibat 5 tahun makan nasi kawah) - I hated the fact that he used to dive with his ex girlfriend. I just simply detest the fact that she has dived with him and I don't want to be another Dive Buddy that signs off in his dive log with Love you or Miss you.. HAHAHAH!! THERE YOU HAVE IT!! Bongok tak? Yes, I'm psycho like that.

I don't wanna be a freaking REPLACEMENT. I know they used to dive together, so I told myself, the only way that I will take up diving is after I'm married to The Diver. Somehow, everytime he talks about his underwater sojourns, I'm reminded of his blog entry when he described a dive with her. Am I jealous? NO. But I just like to be bitter about things.

That's just me. Benda yang tak patut aku menyampahkan, aku menyampah. But hey, I'm just being honest here OK.

But then after our marriage, and growing up a bit.. I finally decided to give it a go. And I love diving with The Diver. He makes me feel safe and he knows what creatures I like to see underwater. It does make our relationship more meaningful, and of course make our island holidays more fun because we are together ALL THE TIME :)

And yes, I sign off as his Dive Buddy. But I don't call him Seademon "Dearie" or even sign off with a "love you" or "miss you". Itu hanya untuk orang2 yang memakai sequinned dress bila berada di Tioman sahaja.

On our first dive together at Perhentian's Tukun Laut, I wrote in his log:

I will remember this dive

For the rest of my life...

LAME. But original, no? :P

The Diver and I buddying for the first time at Tukun Laut.


The Diver and one of his great hugs... and my hair gets all curly everytime I come out of the water.. This was taken right before my third dive (final one for OW) and after I loaded up on 100 plus and Red Bull.

money no enuff

After my graduation in the summer of 1997, I went back to Malaysia thinking that I could do a bit of jalan-jalan cross country. But as soon as I got home, my dad started to bug me on when JPA was gonna call and offer me a job. Aku rasa nak cakap je, "Kau baca paper tiap2 hari kau tak tau ke sekarang ni tengah Asian financial crisis?" Tapi takpela. I waited and waited and JPA didn't call.

So my dad yang tak sabar-sabar sebab aku menghabiskan beras dia, hooked me up with his good friend who's an MD of a listed company who's in need of a PA at the JB office. That was my first job, PA-ing. I was paid RM1,800 per month. I had too much time on my hands because my boss was also CEO/MD at other companies and was rarely in that office.

Walaupun gaji aku ciput tu je, aku rasa cam kaya sangat. Sebab boleh beli baju korean silk, ada handphone nasi lemak, pergi melawat then BF kat KL, etc. Naik flight lagi okay.

But hey, how can I, whose degree was International Relations be contented with being a PA to a non-existent boss? So I started job-hunting, and finally landed a job at a web development company in KL, as a Web Content Executive with the same pay. Remember that this was 1997/98 so it's the internet boom days lah. And at the same time, JPA offered me a post with a pay of RM1,500.

So mana mau pilih? Keja gomen or keja tempat happening yang boleh pakai jeans every day (the Internet thingy was WAYYY too cool way back then)?

I chose the job at the web development company. At this point looking back, I'm glad that my dad didn't even once interfered on my career path process. Hmm.. bagus.. bagus....

Fast forward, aku pernah jadi City Editor, VP of Web Content in a couple of web-based companies. And of course, with the pay increase I started indulging more and more in brands that I have been so fond of every since my uni days, and some even from my high school days.

And money was never enough.

When I was married to my deadbeat ex and after my children came, I started to do a lot of budget reallocation. For instance, switching to cheaper facial cleansers, buying generic brands masa beli groceries, etc. But I still indulged from time to time, especially masa dapat bonus. And I'm always thinking.. oh.. when I'm rich I will buy this and that and this and that... I was always craving and envying and all that.

I also did part-time freelance editing work to supplement my income, throughout my marriage and more so after my divorce. And after the divorce when I was going out with Lip Service he did give me money which made me felt really CHEAP. So in return, I offered some copywriting / branding services for his company. I don't think this would work lah, since it made me feel soooo OWNED and not good for my morale. And I thought, macam mana la eh orang kalau ada sugar daddy? The feeling is not good at all.

Now that I'm married to The Diver and all settled and stable, with the benefits of combined income, something changed in me.

I no longer have the insatiable desire to shop for things I don't need. I've managed to curb my spending habits and am no longer the shopaholic I once was. I do splurge at times, I still have my handbag cravings, but I rarely give in to unplanned temptations.

And for once, I felt that I have grown up.

*warning: adult content*

When I was a little girl, I thought:

"The harder you study, the richer you'll become when you're an adult."

Boy, was I wrong. You and I know that your SPM results mean jackshit in real life. And that if you got bad grades in school does not make you a loser in life.

So what is the importance of education? To me, it allows a person to think, and make informed decisions. To know the difference of what is wrong and what is right. This does not mean that educated people will always make the right decision, it's just that at least they can differentiate which one is right or wrong, and why they come up with their decisions. You know, like making informed decisions instead of according to their whims and fancies. Contohnya, beli kereta yang lebih mahal dari neighbours, just to show off wealth. Not because they like the car, but saja nak menunjuk.

I'm not imposing any moral judgement here, and to me education is not only about school-education but opening up your eyes to the environment around you, prying open your minds to evaluate aspects in life. Holding a PhD does not make you "educated" per se.

Okay, to better illustrate the difference between the educated and the not-so, let's just compare .. say.. menjual pookey. Now menjual pookey is morally wrong but both the educated and non-educated do it.

Here's an example of a stupid woman's modus operandi semasa nak menjual pookey. She is SO STUPID, she doesn't even know the difference between KFC and McDonald's ok.

OK now, the non-educated bitch will marry the son of a prominent Tun expecting the guy to be as rich as his friggin' dad. In a rush to get the Tun's son, she lied to him saying that the four bastards that she kept referring to as anak2 angkat, were actually her own flesh and blood. Dia tak tau yang Tun tu bukannya la bongok sangat tak boleh buat background check on her.

Little does she know that Tun's son is a free-spirited idealist, whose wardrobe are as cheap as any Tom, Dick and Harry's. The Tun's son was brought up in a nepotism-free environment and does not want to leverage on his dad's name. The Tun's son is his own man, and ready to prove that he can make it on his own.

Eventually, she realized that marrying the Tun's son wouldn't make her an heiress or a millionairess. So the non-educated bitch grumbled and stomped her feet and demanded to the Tun's son that her Kenari be switched to a Perdana V6 (ala-ala gomen) because to her, that car epitomizes success, granted that she only socializes in dangdut taverns and is a member of Puteri Umno.

The Tun's son, a romantic at heart, thought that a Perdana V6 would be the the solution to his marriage woes. Meanwhile, the brainless bitch went around dropping the Tun's name to gain her position in Puteri Umno. And in a twisted twist of fate, managed to fool a group of bleached blonds into voting her as Ketua Puteri Umno of Melayang-Layang. Now this was her ticket to making money - becoming a "project broker". Don't ask me how this works but in a nutshell, she gets projects for people, and gets a commision for that. How did she managed to do this? Well, at this point she sells her pookey to other people la, behind the Tun's son's back.

It worked. For a while.

The Tun's son later found out, and eventually they divorced. Now brainless bitch did not care because by this time, she was rolling in the dough selling pookey for projects. Until PRU 12 came, and the Opposition took over the State where Melayang-Layang is located in. And her pookey-selling stories have spread all over like bushfire, and somehow she lost her seat in Puteri Umno.

God knows where she's selling her pookey now.

Now what would a smart woman do in a situation like above?

She would have married the Tun, and waited for him to pass on. Senang, no?

reality check...1..2..

After we got back from dinner just now, and after settling a few house chores, The Diver went to the loo to do his business. From the room, I said to him, "Sayang, I think I need new work pants."

And he replied with a, "What?"

"I THINK I NEED NEW WORK PANTS, BLACK ONES."

Pause. Then he quipped, "Do you think you need anything else?"

Ah, how sweet of him, I thought... thinking probably that he wanted to get me a suit,

or a new pair of Crocs Cabana or Hanalei...

or that other shade of Bobbi Brown Pot Rouge that I wanted...

or maybe he finally remembered that I wanted to do something with my overly long hair (at least overly long according to me)

So I asked him, "Like what?"

"Like maybe you NEED to lose weight!"

OK now, The Diver is beginning to sound like a real husband :P

DNAS made my day..

While recovering from a bad food poisoning bout, I received a message from a friend who went to the same high school as I did, telling me that she's given me an AWARD (check out my sidebar heh). DNAS updates her blog more than I do, and she write more substantial stuff ... so I feel kinda malu lah *blush* . And I was flattered when she described me as:

Jazzmatazz: A Srikandi and we used to be in the same English class for a few years (or was it 5 years?) She and a few others set the bar for our English especially when we had Mrs. Soon as English teacher. She looks soft and at times rather fragile, but the truth is she’s a very strong woman (emotionally) and a fighter. Go and dig her older blog entries for proof.

Thank you DNAS, for the wonderful praises.

The rules:
o Write five (5) interesting facts about the person who gave you this award.
o Jot down ten (10) interesting facts about yourself or your hobbies.
o Pick your ten (10 or less) most deserving recipients and describe them.
o Leave a comment on the recipients' blog to tell them they've been tagged.
o Paste the award badge in your sidebar.
o Have fun!

Section 1: 5 Interesting Things About Makcik DNAS

1. She's a fantastic writer, despite being such an IT nerd! Hahah... I always kutuk all the IT nerds on how these people can't write. But boy, she prove me wrong big time!
   
2. She's very opinionated, and I wish I am brave enough to be as opinionated as her sometimes.
   
3. I remember her to be very talented in school - selalu macam active2 la in all sorts of stuff. Sorry la DNAS, aku ni dah memory loss (not as bad as Rina Rahayu but getting there...). But I do remember her as being involved in a lot of extra co-curricular activities.
4. I agree with her that she is a reluctant leader. For example somehow kalau bab2 Srikandi activities the name "Dayang" just comes to mind..Hehehe.. sorry beb...And in school, she's always Head of something.
   
5. In school, I like her because she's not the baik2 type nor is she the jahat2 type (like me). I mean, you know she'll never rat on you if she sees you breaking school rules. I think. And she's just supercool!

Section 2: 10 Interesting Facts About Me

1. I started this blog hoping that it would become an outlet for me to vent out things. Things that I couldn't tell anyone at that time. Initially hoped for it to be an Anonymous blog but I thought what the f&ck... (ok, this is not an interesting fact about me, but mampusla)
   
2. Then, I wrote out of spite. Until I met The Diver. I still write out of spite, sometimes. Does that make me a spiteful person? I don't think so, because I'm never spiteful in real life :P
3. I suffer from delayed emotional reaction sometimes. For instance if someone close to me dies, I don't cry upon hearing the news, but will cry many, many hours after or even the day after..weird.
4. I find cooking therapeutic. But I find cleaning up stressful. So I only like to cook when my bibik is around.
5. I'm not a registered voter, and my dad is an active politician. I really do not know why I'm not one.
6. I grew up in a family that believes in UMNO and the good that is stands for. My aunts, uncles, grandparents have selflessly contributed a lot to the party. And if they did it just to get "projects" they would have been millionaires by now. In the past decade however, I was exposed to the truth. And it's not pretty and it's not the UMNO that I knew when I was a kid growing up in Batu Pahat. Hey, maybe that's why I'm not a registered voter!
7. I still am amazed at how I first "met" The Diver. It makes me smile everytime I think about it.
8. I am a walking irony - you'll understand this if you know me in real life.
   
9. My kids make me melt all the time. I will always say yes to everything they want, but thank god for The Diver who keeps a check and balance :)
10. I'm a big eater. Not like portion big, but more like I can nibble on anything all day... and if someone asks me out for Makan I would most likely say yes. And I have ridiculous cravings all the time, not only when I'm pregnant ok. And my current craving now is : NASI GANJA! (Tak sedar diri kau tu recovering from food poisoning.. cheh..)
    

Section 3: And The Award goes out to...

1. The Diver - aka John F Seademon, aka The Demon, aka my beloved hubby. Fresh out of my divorce, I bumped into his blog, and it was the first time that I actually CRIED reading some guy's blog. Cheh. He's an excellent writer, funny and witty and ridiculously smart. I envy him. And he has a memory of an elephant.
   
2. Chics in Red - I crack up when I read her blog. And I'm proud to say that she's a SRIKANDI, y'all!!!! She's so honest and funny and that's what blogs should be like.
3. Bleepit - I don't know her personally but she's the Queen of Crazy! And a fellow Johorean too, Johor rawkss!!!! I love it that she's so foul-mouthed, but not offensive :) Whatever that means...
   
4. Mat Gebu - I seriously am addicted to this site. The Diver and I always talk about him, and imagining how his life is - what a good life he has with good food and he has a knack for taking saliva-inducing pictures as well.
5. Joe Perantau - aka Joe Bangla heheeh... He's a Malaysian living and working in the States. And if he doesn't crack you up, there must be something wrong with you. I don't know this guy personally but his stories are such an inspiration those yang MALAS KERJA. This guy really slogs, okay.. hats off!
6. A Camera, Three Cats and A Husband - is my sister's blog! Know what, she doesn't have to write longggggg to amuse me. I mean, this is a perfect example how less is more and how a marvellous picture can speak a thousand words.
   

i am woman

I cannot thank God enough for making me a woman.

And no, it's not only because women have more variety of clothes to choose from as compared to men.

I love being a woman because I can look at another woman, and drool and admire her beauty - and not have any sexual inclinations towards her. See men can never understand this... generally, they will not say that another man is "handsome" or "good-looking". They will as much as possible refrain from making comments on another guy's physique. Which is weird.

I just realized this during my trip to Jakarta a few years back. You know how the girls at Plaza Senayan are just... so fashionable and completely made up - with Kim Kardashian hair and legs that go on until forever? I had a ball chick-watching. Actually we were in Jakarta for a water exhibition, and the models that they used for the show was just amazing. Not only were they drop dead gorgeous, they're beauty with brains. They're far away from being bimbos okay... They can really sell their products!

Another instance was when I wanted to buy the Pixy Compact Powder at Pasar Baru in Bandung. That was the first time I wanted to try buying Pixy because some people said that it is a good product. So there I was, asking this lovely Bandung lass about Pixy. And she recommended me another brand which is better, according to her, called La Tulipe. Once she spoke, I was hooked. It's just the way she flutters her eyelids, and the appropriateness of her speech, and use of language. And yes, she was pretty - porcelain complexion and beautiful features.

I mean, can you imagine if you want to buy something at Chow Kit, you will get a Minah Rempit saying, "Akak.. akak cuba arr yang ni.. bagus arr.. " Such a turn off!!!

So in the end, I bought a compact powder, a refill, some collagen face spray and some capsules of cucumber extract. Oh, I even bought a lipstick the same colour she was wearing. Cuz she looked so hot in it.

OK, some of you might think that I have lesbian tendencies for writing all that. But let me make a point here, with Karina Lombard' hot-ass picture right here:



Do I want to get in her pants? Hell no. But do I find her delicious? Hell, yeah. I'd rather gawk at her than probably Tom Cruise (sorry but I don't find him attractive at all). :P

* The Diver, please wipe off that dirty little thought!!!