i'm still here

Every time I want to write a new blog post, I hesitate. I have no idea why. Maybe because I am sick of my own little trivialities and whinings about work and stuff relating to it. Maybe too it's because there are just so many things happening around me that I don't even know what to bitch about. And maybe because everytime I start to write, I would go "ohhh there are other bigger issues in the world that I should write about..." But alas, here I am again, devoid of anything intellectual or clever.

For a good part of this year there were a lot of news of deaths and friends and family who are diagnosed of some form of serious illnesses. After the passing of one of my juniors, Azura Hani who left us due to leukimia, and after watching a section on CNN of this woman who kept a blog until her death (can't remember the URL), I sort of developed this habit of reading blogs of people with terminal illnesses.

And then there's there's the passing of the late Ruby Ahmad followed by one of the 'makcik' bloggers, Raden Galoh of onebreastbouncing.

It's just so depressing. Yet it also made me thankful of the life and health that I'm blessed with.

It also makes me realize the fragility of life, and after that, any news of friends and family who fall sick kinda shook me up a bit.

I suppose that's the real meaning of growing up or to put it less mildly, getting old.

Meantime, I'm just enjoying my time here on Earth with loved ones, my kids, my family and my clown of a husband...



and also diving, whenever I can (the hair cracks me up!)...

a balancing act

I can truly say that I have found happiness after being married to The Diver last year. It's my second shot at making marriage work, making life work, and making the kids' lives as 'normal' as possible, whatever normalcy means.

But being a stepmother (although his kids do not stay with us) and him being a stepfather - we both have tricky roles to play. It's all about balance, and being delicate and firm and at the same time, and most times it is a thankless job.

I know The Diver, at times, is not completely happy because of the fact that his kids are not under the same roof as us. And I know he misses them terribly. This, on my part, has caused a lot of guilt and self-imposed restrictions on how I treat my kids too.

When I was a single mother, I used to spend a lot of time with my kids, over the weekends, taking them out, even on weeknights. Now that I am married to The Diver, I do less of those, but spend more time with them at home. Two days ago when The Diver had to go outstation for work, Ali came up to me and said, "Dah lama kita tak hang out kan Ma? Remember when you used to drive me to see the lights at night?" He paused and continued, "Masa mama sorang-sorang dulu..."

So that night we went out for a McDonald's supper together and I explained to him that now I have more things to think about, more responsibilities as a wife to his stepfather. I told him that I am also mother to his other step-siblings. One thing for sure is that I know Ali would love to be around his step-siblings.

I don't know, I am happy to be a mother to a total of 7 children but it is sometimes emotionally exhausting. I try my best to 'jaga hati' The Diver especially at home so that my kids do not get on his nerves too much and also I try my best to ensure the kids that yes, The Diver loves them a lot, although he is a stepfather he has been thus far, a true father to them in all sense of the word.

All in all, I am trying my best to lessen the burden that The Diver has to bear when he's with us.

It is tiring sometimes, I must admit. But when I come home to see my kids and The Diver laughing, talking and joking around together, it is all worth it.

Assimilating to stepfather

alive, but barely

I'm talkin bout this blog, which I hope to keep alive... Note that I typed "hope" instead of "promise" or "will strive to" :0

Anyhoots, reasons that have kept me away from updating this are too many to list out, first there's....

1. WORK - eh lame giler excuse ni... semua orang pun work kan... Besides a few events and having a ton of stuff to do, Internet connection is horrible at the office.

2. DIVE - I am happy to note that I did my 45th dive (since August 2009, not bad at all!) a couple of weeks ago in Tioman, and had a magical trip to Sipadan in April 2010. The Diver kept on harping on how I had said that I will NEVER dive and all that, because right now... I am a complete junkie. Siap baca Dive magazines bagai... and The Diver finds this all too amusing and at times annoying, now that I'm so into it.

Turtle and I, at lovely Sipadan.

The gang in Sipadan. Best dive trip ever :) and planning to go again November 2010!!!

3. FACEBOOK - namely Farmville and catching up with old friends, and commenting on friends' statuses and responding to their comments.. oh gosh... I'm such a junkie too... And with some people the best and fastest way to get to them is via their FB inboxes... Geez people!!!

....and oh crap I hate listing 'em all out but yes I have been pre-occupied. Our old Bibik had to go back to her hometown for good and we have a new Bibik now whom the kids totally adore. It's been around six months since we've vacated Kg Warisan and my dad is planning to refurbish the place and I dunno probably make it look less "kayu".

And oh yeah, The Diver and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary on 21st March 2010... and what a "celebration" it was.... He was attending a course in Lumut and I was gallavanting with the gals in Bali. Well, what to do kan when duty calls for him...Anyway we had our celebratory dinner after he picked me up at the airport :) We went for one of our usual hangout, Las Carretas in Ampang. See, I'm so low maintenance nowadays...

Besides gaining 20 million kgs over the past couple of years, (yes to those bitches who hate me you can laugh your asses right about now), life has been sweet.

I'm slowly loving and adapting to this house. Can't blame me because after more than a decade staying in a tiny shoebox apartment I find it quite daunting to manage a double storey four-bedroom house... See, I'm so lembik too! The kids are also enjoying their space and land and proximity to the playground.

I hope the rest of the year turns out to be good for us all - friends, families, officemates, etc. Some friends even found love this year (ahem, ahem Rainmaker) and hopefully I get to eat nasi minyak di tepi sawah before the year is over. (Ni gaya penutup macam tak nak update blog until December je ni)

I shall try to update more often. I kinda miss maintaining my blog like I used to.

p/s: I missed out one of the reasons of me putting up this post.. sebab takut kena belasah ngan Bro Rina, I think she's miffed that balik2 bukak blog ni citer pasal Valentine's Day...

My Valentine's Gift to The Diver: Tagged on My Spouse

Since both The Diver and I don't celebrate V-Day, here's a gift from me to him, a tag that is entirely yours, baby!

I wanted to blog about that bout of panic attack I experienced last week but I didn't have time and it's just so drama so here goes a fun one:

Tagged by the lovely, witty mummy Dillz.

1. Where did you first meet your hubby/other half and when was it?

This was how I first "met" him:

jazzmatazzed

September 4th, 2007 at 11:59 pm

sd, i’ve been a silent reader. OK, this is beyond pathetic but am actually crying reading your end of a great journey entries. ya i know, i have to get a life.

The Diver just got out of a meaningless relationship (hahahah!! cam sial kan aku cakap meaningless) and I was in a relationship that was not going anywhere at that time. So we both were experiencing trying times. And when I read his blog entries I was like.. Wahhhh ada lagi ke spesis jantan macam ni.....

Then on Sept 7th 2007 The Diver wrote on his blog:

"I find it funny that this blog’s been listed in Jazzmatazzed’s blog as “SeaDemon’s Underwater Adventures“…not once, but twice! Hehehe! I’m flattered, Jazzy, thanks."

I got too excited and had put it twice on my Blogroll. Gelojoh.

Well the first time I met him in real life was at a Buka Puasa thingy with friends that I had organized at my place in September of 2007 too. Tak ingat date lah, Sayang sorry :) You're better at remembering dates.

2. Was it love at first sight?

Definitely not! We both were in meaningless relationships back then.

3. Who was he/she when you met him/her for the very first time?

He was a big brother figure to me and probably the only guy who I could say "Hey, I miss you lah"... without him thinking I was hitting on him. So yeah, we were good platonic friends.

4. How long did it take him/her to ask you out on a date?

Damn. Err... about 6 months or so? March 2008.

5. The venue of your first date?

The Lodge. Ya, he's trapped in the 80s. But I liked the kitschiness of it all. It was after midnight so I suppose that's the only place he could take me to other than mamak joints.

6. How did he/she proposed?

I proposed to him over YM in March 2008, BEFORE our first date.

Me: If we're not married in 10 years let's just marry each other lah
Him: Wah! I don't think I can live that long...
Me: OK 7 then
Him: Make it 3 lah....

How practical. Heheh. We were married a year after that conversation took place.

7. Recollect a Special Date with your hubby/other half.

For me it was our first date. He was waiting for me outside his Fuck Truck with a big smile on his face, and opened the door for me (he still does OK!!) like any good thoroughbred MCKK boy...

8. Any changes that he/she asked you to make?

He has definitely learned how to control his temper, definitely improved on that since we went out together. So keep up the good work Sayang!

9. What is it about him/her that you love so much?

I just feel so SAFE when I'm around him. He literally saved me from my ex, and also from a relationship that was eating me up inside.

I feel so loved, the way he hugs me. It's just so damn comforting, especially after a long day at work.

His sense of humour. His wonderful gift of gab

10. What would you like to change about him/her?

I wish he'd be a more patient man as years go by. He's at his best when he's calm and patient.

11. You will lose your mind and crack your head when he/she.....

Cerita balik joke bengong yang dah cerita 40 kali.

12. You will smile through your eyes the whole day when he/she..

SMSes me sappy stuff. Just romantic stuff that sometimes can shed me tears of joy. Huwaaa... jiwang to the max.

13.Complete this sentence, "My love towards my hubby/other half is as big as.."

...my stomach and his put TOGETHER!!!!!! AND THAT IS HUGE!!!!!!

I love you sweets, and always will.

the coffee and I

The daily mantra over Skype/YM between my two colleagues and I almost daily, post lunch would be.

"Ngantuk. I need coffee."

or even

"Aku rasa macam nak kopi mahal" ( as opposed to Kak K's Nescafe murahan at the pantry)

The latter statement would result in us frantically finding other coffeeholics so that our SF Coffee order would total to RM50 (minimum order for delivery). We used to have one SF Coffee at our office but since the whole building is undergoing a major facelift, there are absolutely NO eateries or retail shops here. Major bummer.

When I was nineteen I was still allergic to it. I remember once during my first year in college I had a bad bout of coffee allergy. I was playing tour guide to some friends who were visiting Boston for the first time. We were at Harvard Square and it was summer and they all wanted to go to Au Bon Pain. And dammit the smell of coffee was just so overpowering and hypnotic. And I went okay, I am ADULT enough to drink this thing. So I had, for the first time ever, a whole plastic cup of Iced Cappuccino all to myself. And drank the whole thing as it was scorching hot at the moment and I was thirsty as hell.

As we were leaving Au Bon Pain, heading for some shops at Harvard Square, I felt slightly nauseated, following by a throbbing headache which became worse. Then, I started seeing spots. And it got so bad I had to apologize to my friends and told them that I had to go home :(

From that day forth, I stayed off coffee completely.

Adulthood came (read; I started working) and inadvertently someone would serve you coffee at certain points of time. I would take a small sip, and (im)politely leave the rest of the portion. And as I grew older (old ke??) and after I had quit smoking (in July 2008) I became more accustomed to drinking coffee. I did not realize when it happened, but it happened. I could finish half a cup of coffee without any detrimental side effects, accept for maybe once or twice (The Diver would argue this observation).

The worse came when I joined this GLC. I was quite a junkie. Well there's no such term as "quite" a junkie, it's either you are or you are not. Hell, I WAS a junkie. And I totally blame it on this company. For some weird reason, they didn't employ a proper tea lady, and for some reason, they would order flasks and flasks of SF Black Coffee and Latte at every freaking meeting!!!! Jgn cerita la pasal how much the company had to bear on the costs...

I was downing coffee like air sirap limau. Like there's no tomorrow. Until I realized, no it did not give me any headaches but I was belching like a 70-year old pakcik in a kain pelikat. Not cool, huh?

When I quit the GLC, I didn't completely quit coffee. I couldn't. The Diver will always tell me how bad coffee is, and to take it in moderation. Which I adhered to. I slowly weaned myself off it, but not completely.

Today, I don't take it daily. I try not to, at least. And if you ask me why I'm writing this, it's that I'm craving for it right this very minute!

I will ignore everyone when I'm having my cuppa :)
Pic courtesy of Fizri

bienvenue 2010, au revoir 2009!

In spite of the almost week-long holiday that I took, the final week of the year is always hectic, and this year, probably even more.

To sum it all up 2009 was a wonderful year, with a lot of changes in my life. And change is good, most of the times.

This was the year I got married to my BFF who's also the world's most wonderful lover. I try as much to be a good wife to The Diver, and so far things have been going great. Though we have our down times as well :) But in marriage, the more you give, the more you get. So I just hope the longer we're together the more we understand each other.

We also moved out of the Kg Warisan apartment to Bukit Setiawangsa. The main reason for the move is that not only are my kids getting bigger but also we want room when my stepchildren visit and it would be more conducive for them to sleep over. And oh, we receive a lot of guests too so the house is a better bet that the apartment obviously. I have to admit that having stayed in Kg Warisan for more than a DECADE, moving to a landed property has been fun but super-tiring!

And in 2009 too I took up scuba diving and got my Open Water Diver license, in Perhentian! Been hooked on it ever since and its such a great stress reliever! I'm so waiting for the Monsoon season to be over!!!!!

Finally, 2009 was also the year that my parents took me seriously. Hahahah! It's probably the year when they finally realize that I am adult enough to make my own decisions and also adult enough to advise them. I did gave both of them my piece of mind (albeit on paper) and I suppose I made sense. 2009 has seen a lot of shockers in our family and extended family so hopefully these shockers will not shock us again this year.

Well there are a lot of other things that happened in our lives in 2009 but I suppose those are the significant ones.

My wish for 2010?

For me to be a better person, to be more patient in handling issues, to be more eloquent in speaking, to be a better writer and a better wife, mother and friend.

For The Diver to get a humongous pay hike so that he can belanja me more! HAHAHAHA!! Just kidding, baby. Ok ok ... for The Diver to be happier when he's with me, and for him to be in the best of health so we can enjoy more years together.

To have more dive trips and overseas trip this year! Ok , this is a bit impossible to reconcile but I'll just give it a shot anyway. And maybe for my sister to join us in one of those overseas trip!!

Here's to 2010!!!

a death in december

Have you attended a funeral and thought, no.. I am not going to cry because the person who passed on does not have that much emotional impact over you.

And then you thought wrong and you ended up bawling as if that person meant the world.

Well I was at one of those funerals today. It was my cousin's funeral. A cousin whom I haven't seen in years. He was my uncle's eldest son. And this uncle's family has not been attending Raya gatherings, relative's weddings, or even my late grandmother's funeral. Yes, estranged would be the word to describe it.

My cousin died of drug overdose - a concoction of sleeping pills and God-knows-what. To make things worse, they found his decomposed body, alone in a hotel room, sitting up, with the TV and air-con on. Doctors estimate that he has been dead for more than 10 days. He was 26.

When the talkin was recited, it seemed that my mind went back to the days when I used to babysit this little innocent, baby cousin of mine. We were nine years apart, and his parents used to send him to my grandparents' house for free day care. And I was the one who had to help my aunt take care of him, put him to sleep, prepare his formula, watched cartoons with him.

And today, he's bundled up in white cloth, lined with plastic - the condition of his body too horrific for me to even describe here.

I sat behind his wife, near to his mother - they tried to hold back tears during the talkin but only ended up crying until their whole bodies shivered. And I did too, silently.

Goodbye, Azlan. I hope you did not die in vain.

My friends, dear readers, this is not the way to die. So stay off drugs. You think you're in control, but don't play with fire. I beg you.