dirty laundry

We had that argument again tonight, same stuff. Why do you still want me when we both are not in love with each other? Why? Why won't you let me go? And he will say will till year end, I will let you go. Everytime he says that, I take it with a pinch of salt. For me, it's just buying time to turn me into a psychotic monster and for him to use up his privilege that I have been providing for him all this while.

I'm being brutally honest, H and me, haven't been living like husband and wife since last year in November. When I was pregnant with Yunus (early 2005), I decided that I couldn't be with this guy anymore. I need someone who can provide for the family and also give me the TLC that I deserve. With H, it's like having 2 extra kids to take care of.

I used to think I was selfish for saying all that. But I lasted 7 godforsaken years. SEVEN. 7 years of treading carefully on what to say so as not to hurt him, of thinking how to survive until month's end, of working my butt off to be the breadwinner of the family, of living in fear of a vengeful husband, of waiting to be swept off my feet. Waiting, still waiting.

Someone today told me that he has a theme for living this year. How interesting, I thought. I never knew you can have annual themes for living - maybe life is like a party after all! His theme is "Sayangi diri sendiri". I have decided to adopt this theme of his.

I do deserve a better life, I even told my dad this. For now, I can only hope that H's words are stronger than oak.