those three words

I've tweeted "those three words" before and most people thought I was in need of an "i love you" or "i miss you" or even "i hate you"!

Whenever I'm down in the dumps or in situations that overwhelm me to the core, all I need is....

"Are you okay?"

And that is all.

sweet times

I've just had a couple of happy days this week. I just realized that my life has been so mundane that happy days are such big bonuses for me. But then again, maybe that is good, to have a mundane, simple, at times sad life because when you experience a happy day, you appreciate it with every fiber of your being.

No, I didn't take a happy pill.

I was happy because I actually spent some time doing something that I enjoy most - talking to someone who's starting a business on branding. It's just that look on their faces when they are so close to starting something, and they're all hyped up setting up the business and things are looking great. And it helps to know that people appreciate my free "consultancy work"...

Although I spoke to H again about the big D over the phone, I won't let that get in the way of my joy.

Come on people, get happy.

i'm too sexy

This morning over a rushed breakfast a male friend said, "Confidence makes a woman so sexy". And although my throat was in excruciating pain from the sambal sotong, I stopped and thought... "YES THAT'S IT!!!!!"

I could've shouted Eureka. All my life I've always tried to be confident. Especially around men, and especially at the office, because that's when I think I needed to be a tad bit territorial. And I've had 2 or 3 guys telling me that I am, not in the literal sense of the word, sexy. I've gotten remarks like "strangely sexy" - and I thought, what the hey, I don't even wear short skirts and sexy tops to the office. Why lah? Now I geddit.

Don't get me wrong, most people who know me won't say "sexy" is a top-of-mind recall when my name is mentioned. I've always been called tembam or cute (euphemism for tembam la), interchangeably. But sexy, only to a few people. And I've always wondered why, until today.

Oh god, I do sound so perasan in this posting...trust me, I AM NOT.

dirty laundry

We had that argument again tonight, same stuff. Why do you still want me when we both are not in love with each other? Why? Why won't you let me go? And he will say will till year end, I will let you go. Everytime he says that, I take it with a pinch of salt. For me, it's just buying time to turn me into a psychotic monster and for him to use up his privilege that I have been providing for him all this while.

I'm being brutally honest, H and me, haven't been living like husband and wife since last year in November. When I was pregnant with Yunus (early 2005), I decided that I couldn't be with this guy anymore. I need someone who can provide for the family and also give me the TLC that I deserve. With H, it's like having 2 extra kids to take care of.

I used to think I was selfish for saying all that. But I lasted 7 godforsaken years. SEVEN. 7 years of treading carefully on what to say so as not to hurt him, of thinking how to survive until month's end, of working my butt off to be the breadwinner of the family, of living in fear of a vengeful husband, of waiting to be swept off my feet. Waiting, still waiting.

Someone today told me that he has a theme for living this year. How interesting, I thought. I never knew you can have annual themes for living - maybe life is like a party after all! His theme is "Sayangi diri sendiri". I have decided to adopt this theme of his.

I do deserve a better life, I even told my dad this. For now, I can only hope that H's words are stronger than oak.

oh bimbo, where art thou?

While having one of our funny little conversations, A Friend asked, "How do you really tell who's a bimbo and who's not? I mean, what's the definition of a bimbo?"

At that time I was stumped (blame it on the elephant-dose medications). My gut feeling was going to just answer him, "Anyone who considers AF kids as real ARTISTS!" - but that would be just too below the belt for A Friend.

While showering just now, I was actually verbalizing in my mind what I think a bimbo is.

Let me paint this picture for you, a 25-year old has been working as a Corporate Comm executive in a listed company for about 6 months, and she does not even know that a subsidiary of that listed company is even AN EXISTING COMPANY. "Hey, xxxx tu company ke apa?"

Note that she said "company ke apa?". Dia ingat persatuan ke, or even Sports Club. Here she was, being in the department that was supposed to be THE resource centre, and not knowing that kind of information. And I'm not taking about an obscure, dormant company, I'm talking about one of the active, more prominent one!

IMHO, a bimbo is someone who is unaware of her surroundings, insensitive to changes, obsessed with herself and things that only matter to her and does not have a desire to learn things other than what she does every day.

Being stupid alone does not make you a bimbo. So A Friend, I hope I have answered your question.

emotional lethargy

Have you ever experienced emotional lethargy?

Today is a prime example. Well for the past two weeks or so I've been acting overly sensitive to everyone. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old. You know how old people tend to get freaking depressed over every goddamn thing - not being acknowledged, not being said hi to, etc.

Well anyway today I became upset over something stupid in the morning. Then I realized, by lunchtime my brain was not functioning at all... and I can't seem to feel my emotions. Was I upset? Numb? Angry? Sad? Vengeful?

Inside I feel as bland as the fibre cracker that models eat to lose weight. Bland. Blah. Blah. Blah.

The photo of this stressed out feline is courtesy of my talented sister, Zaza.

i need...

1. A vacation with ****** (just kidding) i changed my mind -- A vacation with Jude Law!!!
2. Lots of money to buy nice pants - I noticed all my pants make me look fatter than I am
3. A tub of Ben & Jerry's (Chunky Monkey)

And i will be supremely happy...

Happyness

I am happy
...when I am alone with the kids
...after a simulating conversation with ?
...waking up on a Sunday morning thinking that I don't have to go to the office
...just being me