those three words

I've tweeted "those three words" before and most people thought I was in need of an "i love you" or "i miss you" or even "i hate you"!

Whenever I'm down in the dumps or in situations that overwhelm me to the core, all I need is....

"Are you okay?"

And that is all.

goodbye my poet

I took the pill that the doctor prescribed to me, and now I just woke up after 2 hours of sleep. My head is still throbbing, the pain is still there.

I guess the pill was not much of a help.

I once knew a poet who could write poetry that could bring tears to my eyes.

Today, he died.

hello 2012

Sometimes I wish the Mayans' prediction would come true. Just for the sole reason that my loved ones and I can all die at the same time!

What a morbid way to start a 2012 post but that's how I felt today. All negativities aside, my aim this year is to stay calmer and mature in spite of all the things that are going on at home or at the office.

I officially turned 37 on the 27th of December, so that's good. Should the world end in December 2012 I wouldn't live to see 38.

Finally, all the kids are in REAL school already, with Yunus coming back home today telling me he wishes that he's in Year Three instead of One. Ambitious lad. My stepdaughter who's staying with me will sit for her SPM, so this year is an important year for her and I wish her all the best.

The Diver and I went through several ups and mostly downs in 2011 and I hope things will be better this year. Being a woman, and a sensitive one at that, there are things that haunt me still and that I believe has caused some strains in our relationship. Believe me, I wish I was stronger and can just erase the things that hurt. Having said that, I hope both of us can change and tolerate each other more this year, because at the end of the day, our quarrels don't usually last more than 24 hours. And I know I can't live without him more than a day.

Here's to a better 2012.

And I leave you with a picture of when the sun has set on December 31st 2011, taken from a hotel room where we spent our New Year's eve.

laid bare

Had a wonderful bbq for my bro's 21st birthday on Saturday evening. Sunday morning, at 6.20 am I was already at KGPA for the Piala Sallehuddin tournament. Honestly, the most events I've ever been involved in while working here are golf tournaments. Oh, and AGMs. I like the former better. Hahah. No press conferences, no media kits to hand out. Pure unadulterated casual fun with males over the age of 50. More Hahah.

On a gloomier note, I really hope none of you ever have to lodge a police report on domestic violence. It sucks. Well it didnt suck that bad, the policeman who took my report was actually "mesra, cepat (not so cepatlah) dan betul". But the policeguy who attended to me earlier was so young and inexperienced his jaw literally dropped when i said, "Nak buat report, I kena pukul dengan suami". He turned to his colleagues who were munching on some really nice-looking goreng pisang (heheh.. kalau kat US donuts kan?) and said, "Kena pukul." And I was like, YEAH TELL THE WHOLE WORLD WHY DON'T YOU.

Then an elderly policeman attended to me and thank you Mr IGP Musa Hassan, the guy was gentlemanly, discreet and very helpful. Then why am I complaining? Because the whole ordeal is unpleasant. You verbalize what you've experienced to a complete stranger, it's so mengaibkan, it's humiliating and you feel so exposed and vulnerable. It's the act of unveiling your deepest and darkets secret to an unknown person. It was deathly scary for me. And oh, may I suggest some sort of cubicle Mr IGP so that there's a bit of privacy when lodging reports? Strangely, at the end of it there's a sense of fulfillment...

And tomorrow will be a better day, God willing.

note to self: must...get...BLOND...streaks...before... big...stf-sdar-star...dinner...next week...

life, it ain't always good

Let me tell you something if you don't already know. Life is not a bed of roses. And the older you get, the more you realize this.

I come from an OK family, we were never poor but I've been taught to always be independent. I thank my parents for that (and my grandparents too!). Oh we were always treated lavishly when we were kids (ask my sister) - the Singapore trips, the overseas holidays, etc. But we were constantly reminded on certain things and I think we didn't grow up to be spoiled brats. If it weren't for this upbringing I would have been a complete mess by now.

But some people, some very fortunate people, live their lives without a care in this world. Everything is taken care of, everything is there, on a silver platter. You know I used to envy these people (note that i said "USED") - I envied them because I wanted what they had - the ability to have everything in life and love and work and all. But now I realize that I am much better off than them because if they were put in my situation now, I don't think that they can handle it.

Some people have said that I've been so strong handling this. So strong for persevering. In my tiny little heart I know that I am strong and no one can tell me otherwise.

And to those whose life seems to be smooth sailing, let me tell you, it ain't always good. You will have to face the things you hate, you will have to learn to roll with the punches LIKE A MAN (even if you're a woman), you have to learn to accept the realities of life, you have to learn to take in the pain and deal with it. Deal with it.

Hey you, I'm still fundraising!

this was how i spent my weekend

On Saturday I had a nice lunch at Hush, Bangsar. It's a rather new place (at the old Society) next to Madam Kwan's. Ayu and I were actually going to have lunch at Souled Out but it was closed (they somehow have weird opening hours nowadays) so we headed out to Bangsar instead. Ordered the Salmon Teriyaki and Ayu ordered the Set Lunch - Thai Fried Rice, dessert and drinks. The Set Lunch was really affordable, it think it was for RM15++. And the food was quite good I'd say. Portions are just nice for us ladies. And oh talking about lay-dies, Hush has two days of Ladies Nites - Weds and Thurs. If only I were still in my partying days.. hehehe.

On Sunday, I went to pay my bills and did groceries at Cold Storage, Great Eastern. And cooked lunch. I miss having those sardines with loads of onions and garlic and cili padi. So I cooked just that. And my bibik bought some fried chicken from Pasar Keramat.

I missed Live Earth. Yunus broke the Astro remote and I'm just too darn lazy to change channels or even buy a new one. Damn.

The days went by quite fast. It was funny, I wasn't even having fun at all. But time flies anyway. I dread to go to work tomorrow, but at least that's the only place where the H won't be able to be in my face.

kaca dan permata

In trying times, you will know who is a friend or foe. Honestly, I have lost a very, very close friend ever since my 'marriage standoff' became officially public. Initially, I felt so betrayed, so hurt - but eventually, I thank the Almighty for showing me who I should trust and who I shouldn't. So, no regrets.

In difficult times too, you will bump into pleasant and unpleasant surprises. I was wholly terharu when my SILs offered their emotional support when I went back to Kedah. I did not expect that from them, because I thought H did such an excellent job portraying me as "the slut". Ironically, I was suprised when a very close family member turned her back against me. It was sad, but like I expected, anything can happen.

Thank you Zaza, for being there - although not in person, but on YM whenever I need to vent out. And to my 87-91 friends who have been a therapeutic group for me to hang out with! Last nite's dinner was fun - steak sandwich, cheese rolls and durian for dinner. What a way to gain a lifetime on the hips!

bye bye boys

Well, tomorrow I'll be off to Jakarta for work until Saturday. This will be the longest that I'll be away from the boys. Gonna miss 'em and I hope they'll be ok without me around.

Because of Datuk K, I've resorted to wearing my polo t-shirts in non-public places.

The weekend was so-so - went to Alif's birthday party on Sunday, Ali and Yunus had fun. Then as usual on Sunday evening, to prepare for a long week had drinks with Ayu at Alexis. That one was quite sensational! We were seating outside and suddenly we heard, "Tapi you dah tinggal dengan husband I for over a year!" Apparently the diners behind the pillar was actually a love triangle waiting to explode.

I pray to God that I will never have to go through that situation. Ever.

Top 5 Lame Ass Lines from the H

5. I don't want to do it now because I'm worried to leave the kids with a mother like you.
Oh really? And I'm even more worried to leave the kids with a person so vengeful, hateful, spiteful, violent and spineless.

4. Kalau you sembahyang, sembahyang la betul-betul.
Oooh, this really got me. I know I don't do the full 5 prayers, but whenever I do, I feel so close to God I'm most of the time in tears by the time I recite my do'a. Who the fish are you to judge me?

3. Feelings are intangible, you will never actually know how you feel.
Sheer stupidity. So you can't believe in the intangibles? What is love then, or hate? This is a moronic justification for me to stay in this marriage so he can milk me for what I'm worth.

2. Of course my sisters are nice to you, what do you expect?
Your sisters are nice to me because I AM A NICE PERSON like them. How could your own family not like you - ask yourself that, why do they hate you so much?

1. If I have provided for you, tak tau la apa agaknya you akan beli with your paycheck.
If you were so religious, you would know that in Islam the husband is supposed to be the provider for the family. Duh.

Fear not, my friends, I will put up the NSSC slumber party post soon. Just not in the right frame of mind to do it.

pep-talking myself...

Let me tell you why I'm better...

1. I am waaaaaayyyy smarter than her.
Oh puhleaze, let's not even go there. I'm a Notre Dame grad with two semesters on the Dean's List and the reason why I'm not on the Dean's List my final year is because I partied 4 days a week. Sloshed and wasted.

2. She is not as hot as I am.
Haha! Hot is subjective la. But you know I am.

3. I am independent and can work like a dog.
Throw me anywhere and I will find the money.

4. I can live without a husband.
Basically have lived without a husband for the past two years, although still legally married. And I don't really need my parents to take care of me either.

5. I can freaking drive.
I can even drive from KL to batu pahat at full term pregnancy. Even my 50-year old aunt in batu pahat can drive, why can't she? Please get real.

6. I am a drama queen, tapi not tamil drama like her.
Don't mess with my mood swings but I don't bang my head against the wall, I'll bang yours thank you very much.

7. I'm a very holistic person - balanced yin and yang.
I cook, I clean, I nurse and I can also party like mad. Err... it might be bipolar disorder but what the heck, I'm still hot.

8. I can mingle with people from all walks of life.
The poor, the needy, the rich and famous... I will blend in. So take me anywhere with you and I will work the floor.

9. I am loyal and will stick to you thru thick and thin.
Don't ever question my loyalty. I will go all out for the ones I love.

10. I love you more than she does.

God that felt good...please forgive me for being a beeyaatch

the wrong action / reaction

Sometimes, when you have been sorely missing someone you just don't know how to act when he comes back. Your mind gets mixed up with so many emotions - there's anger (why were you gone so long!) there's longing (God, I just so want to be with you it hurts) there's sadness (i've been doing nothing when you weren't around) there's frustration (why can't we be together?) and then there's just sheer happiness (I'm so glad to see you and you look super hot too)

With all those feelings jumbled up, I will always end up looking awkward when I see that person. Then I will get "You look so tense..."

Tense is definitely not the word, baby. Then with that kind of remark, you do the auto-switch mode, you smile and pretended not to care. But deep in your heart you wish there are words that can say how much you've missed them.

I missed you while you were away. No, I was not happy when you're not around.

There, I said it.