i confess

My YM conversation with The Diver earlier this evening:

John SeaDemon: u've always done well writing about your feelings...u have always written as if u r strong...putting up that facade...but there has never been an emotional entry
jasmeenz: i cant write la
jasmeenz: i cant write like you
jasmeenz: i cant write half as good as you
John SeaDemon: u can
John SeaDemon: one of the reasons i was afraid to approach u, or didn't believe u when u proposed to me was bcos of the way u portrayed yourself...strong, gutsy etc
jasmeenz: i know
jasmeenz: and im not strong
jasmeenz: once you get to know the real me
John SeaDemon: i know
John SeaDemon: totally different to the person i thought i knew

I watched him while he was napping this afternoon. And it suddenly struck me. I am completely in love with this person. Then, at that moment, it just hit me like a rock. I love this person, with every fibre of my being.

This is me. The real me. It takes time for me to fall in love, like, completely fall for someone. But once I do, I'm floored. I'm done. I'm as good as gone.

When I fall in love, I give my all. Completely, my love knows no bounds, it's limitless. And today I just realized that this relationship has gone to that level.

Then it all starts pouring in - the concerns, the worries, the need to understand, the need to sacrifice. So when he woke up and we hugged, I can't help but cry. He looked perplexed. I don't think he understood the lachrymose me. It's not just about us having to be apart every day, and him having to divide his time between where he stays and where I am. It's about the bigger picture.

I'll be moving to JB end of the year. My new job starts in July. I will be at Menara TM before the exodus to JB, and there's no exact date yet for that. Eventually, he will be moving to JB. At least, that's what we planned for. The big move down south and a year-end wedding, God willing.

The thought of him being away from his kids to be with me kills me. It does. How can I sleep at night knowing that I am the person who's responsible for separating him and his kids? Even now, everytime he's with me I'll start thinking about when he's going to go home to his kids. It's at the back of my mind. All the time. I have that guilt. All the time. But at the same my heart bleeds, everytime we're apart.

Yes, this is me. I'm not strong, I'm hopeless. I overanalyze. I wallow in guilt. And I love him.