i confess

My YM conversation with The Diver earlier this evening:

John SeaDemon: u've always done well writing about your feelings...u have always written as if u r strong...putting up that facade...but there has never been an emotional entry
jasmeenz: i cant write la
jasmeenz: i cant write like you
jasmeenz: i cant write half as good as you
John SeaDemon: u can
John SeaDemon: one of the reasons i was afraid to approach u, or didn't believe u when u proposed to me was bcos of the way u portrayed yourself...strong, gutsy etc
jasmeenz: i know
jasmeenz: and im not strong
jasmeenz: once you get to know the real me
John SeaDemon: i know
John SeaDemon: totally different to the person i thought i knew

I watched him while he was napping this afternoon. And it suddenly struck me. I am completely in love with this person. Then, at that moment, it just hit me like a rock. I love this person, with every fibre of my being.

This is me. The real me. It takes time for me to fall in love, like, completely fall for someone. But once I do, I'm floored. I'm done. I'm as good as gone.

When I fall in love, I give my all. Completely, my love knows no bounds, it's limitless. And today I just realized that this relationship has gone to that level.

Then it all starts pouring in - the concerns, the worries, the need to understand, the need to sacrifice. So when he woke up and we hugged, I can't help but cry. He looked perplexed. I don't think he understood the lachrymose me. It's not just about us having to be apart every day, and him having to divide his time between where he stays and where I am. It's about the bigger picture.

I'll be moving to JB end of the year. My new job starts in July. I will be at Menara TM before the exodus to JB, and there's no exact date yet for that. Eventually, he will be moving to JB. At least, that's what we planned for. The big move down south and a year-end wedding, God willing.

The thought of him being away from his kids to be with me kills me. It does. How can I sleep at night knowing that I am the person who's responsible for separating him and his kids? Even now, everytime he's with me I'll start thinking about when he's going to go home to his kids. It's at the back of my mind. All the time. I have that guilt. All the time. But at the same my heart bleeds, everytime we're apart.

Yes, this is me. I'm not strong, I'm hopeless. I overanalyze. I wallow in guilt. And I love him.

in love again (or why I finally said yes to scuba diving)

It's Monday morning. Half of the office is scrambling to make copies and last minute changes to the board papers for this morning's special BOD meeting. As for me, I'm here updating this blog while skimming through Kam Raslan's column in The Edge. Yup, I'm doing nothing. I have two more weeks in this company, so nothing is the thing that I should be doing right now. I better get on with the Perhentian Trip update. I know, I've been slacking.

I haven't been on a vacation in 7 years. Throughout the 7 years, vacation meant going back to my then in-laws in Alor Setar/Sg Petani and whack Nasi Kandar. Or going back to BP/JB and whack Asam Pedas and Briani Gam. Or dropping by Penang to visit my SIL. My last real vacation was with my sister and her friend in Tioman before I was married. And oh, the honeymoon at Langkawi's Tanjung Rhu Resort.

We had this Perhentian trip planned over someone's drunken stupor :P (not me, ah) two months back I think. And I'm glad it materialized - I suppose GemGem threatening to whoop the asses of those who will chicken out of this trip really worked.

The stunning view from our chalet...

Betch President mengamuk after my coup attempt.

My Snorkel Master.. hahahahaha...a.k.a. The Sea Cowboy

We left for Perhentian on Thursday 29th May and came back on Sunday nite. It was one of the best vacations in my living memory. It did help that the trip was with The Diver and friends that I've known since forever. We stayed at this nice little place called New Cocohut, the normal rooms are a bit crap (we stayed in one of those for a night because chalets were full) but the Seaview Chalet is much much better and worth the money. Gombak4Life and LiverBabe did their Discovery Scuba, Rina taught me how to put on a snorkel mask, I taught her that spit helps to keep your mask fog-free. Good eh, for someone who's never snorkelled before.

LiverBabe enjoyed her Discovery Scuba so much that she kept on mentioning to me HOW BEAUOOOTIFOOOLL it is to experience the joy of diving, the magic of the underwater world etc etc... 10 million gazillion times, I think she must have forgotten that I'm going out with a diving legend (or so, they say). Sebab mulut bising dia tu lah, The Diver proclaimed during one of the makan sessions in Perhentian, "She (Read: Me!!!) is going to take up diving as well..."

And that statement came out of nowhere. See, during the first few weeks of our relationship, both The Diver and I agreed that we were not going to share the same interests, and that he will not persuade me into taking up scuba-diving just because that's his passion. Cis. Tipu je semua tu.

The only valid excuse that he uses now is: "If we're on a trip together, what are you going to do when I dive?" And since we're planning for a Sipadan honeymoon, it got me thinking. But then there's always books to read, food to eat, Internet to surf, hotbods to ogle, beaches to stroll (ada ke?).

Pasal korang la aku kena ambik open water ni...

Last week he took me to the dive shop at Sri Hartamas, just to inquire about the open water course and maybe to get me comfortable with the whole thing. Remember, I never said I will do the open water course, I never said yes but he ASSUMED that my silence meant that I agreed. So there I was in the dive shop, and I saw some LOVELY pink fins and some really really really cool Dive Junkie t-shirts... Hmmm... And some cool dry packs/bags and other dive paraphernalia that are quite fashionable. And when I saw The Diver in his wetsuit at Perhentian, it DID make him look much slimmer. So instead of doing my usual shopping at shopping malls, maybe I can switch to dive shops... So technically, I only made up my mind that I will do the open water course only after the trip to the dive shop.. hahahah.. Can you believe that? Not even a diver boyfriend, or a trip to Perhentian can convince me that I should take up diving. But one trip to the dive shop and I'm in, man!!! I mean... I would love to wear those Dive Junkie t-shirts... but I can't be wearing it if I don't dive, kan? I'm no poser, OK.

Big-ass digression up there. This was supposed to be a Perhentian update, kan.

Well anyway, the Perhentian trip was just brilliant. Had a lot of food stops, and berak stops - because all the other passengers in the Naza Ria except for me have excellent metabolism and crap every few hours. And oh, my baby's Naza Ria is definitely more ganas than GemGem's Beemer (7 series ok). I didn't have my camera with me, so the pics are all taken from LiverBabe and The Diver's Facebook album.

I don't think anyone's seen us this happy. Not in a long time.

And this was the sunset that we shared, The Diver and I. It felt like falling in love all over again.

Shoot, they're still milking me for what I'm worth here. The CFO just said Hi and wants a media release out by 3 pm. Cipet.

can't wait!

Tonite I'll be leaving for Perhentian with The Diver and a bunch of buddies.

Sunblock, check.
New VB capri jeans, check.
Swimsuits, check. (Notice the plural)
Extra pairs of contacts, check.
Munchies for a 5-hour drive, check.
Clarinase, Eno ginger, check.
Paracetamol, antacids, minyak angin, errr.. takde... (maybe I should skip this since The Diver is a walking pharmacy)

I haven't packed, really. Heheh.

See y'all next week.

strictly for my girlfriends and cross-dressers

My sister is right. Let's not write about politics. Our country is in such a sorry state and it's just so.. soo.... depressing.... It's Tuesday and I just feel like Paris-Hiltoning my blog a little...Yes, Gombak4life, this is how you Paris Hilton your blog... Yes, GemGem, I mentioned Paris Hilton...but unfortunately there will be no nude pics of her here okay. Sorry to dissapoint.

I've always been a sucker for new cosmetic products. And I will only use about 60% of the things that I buy, while the rest will remain in my drawer, waiting to be donated to either my mom's maid, my bibik or my cousin or even my mom, who will visit every now and then and ask, "Ada lipstick tak?" Then she will just pocket one or two in her handbag.

So because I'm bored at the office, let me indulge you in a few of my recent cosmetic purchases, some crappy and some reallyyy cool. Although since going out with The Diver I've very much reduced my retail therapy sessions. Good or bad ah?

So girls, here are a few things that I've recently discovered...

MAC's Sculpt and Shape Powder - Ayu and I tried this out at KLCC's MAC. It's quite easy to apply (although I had to SMS her to ask which shade goes where the first time I wanted to apply it.. heheh) and will actually contour and highlight your face. This means it creates an illusion of a sharper nose and smaller face. Godsend. Cuma aku je yang malas pakai because I think I need a professional brush for this, and not the brushes that I have now. Heheh. Ada je reason.

Bobbi Brown's Pot Rouge for Lips and Cheeks - Must buy! Must buy! This one costs RM90 but well worth it. I got the one in Calypso Coral. I love this so much I'm gonna get another one, or two in fact. Its creamy texture blends so well with my skin and it just gives out that radiant afterglow that's oh so natural. It helps a lot because without makeup I'm pale as a corpse. I don't complain much about my complexion though because I can just go makeup-less and people would think that I'm sick and I can go home and rest. Or get fake MC.

M by Mariah Carey eau de parfum - Love this! It's very very mysteriously sensual... and initially it might smell a bit too Mak Datinish, but give it a few seconds then you'll be able to smell the layers of gardenia, moroccan amber and vanilla i think... I just wanted a change from my usual Eternity Moment and Ralph Lauren Romance. The first time I sprayed this on I asked The Diver to guess what's the perfume name.. so I hinted, "It's a female singer... can you guess whose perfume?" He took a whiff of it from my wrist.. and went... "SHARIFAH AINI!!!" Cipan betul. But in a way he's quite right la.. both have big boobies. Heheh.

Anyway, I was walking around Pavilion a few weeks back, and you know they have this tiny Paris Hilton store there kan... it's shameless, but I'm so dying to buy one of the clutch bags sold there... Full of bling and glizt and I just feel like I should vamp up my handbag collection a little. Although I do have a crimson red Celine handbag that's still lying in the closet, I thought it's a tad bit too flashy. Mr Diver.. I am dropping a not-so-subtle hint, next time I go Pavilion it's definitely not for the donuts ok..

Short term shopping objective (read: next week after I come back from Perhentian or maybe.. err.. tomorrow?): black and white, striped Rockin' Reptile pumps from Parkson at the Pavilion. Rainmaker.... wait for my call ya.... After that we go makan at Nirwana Maju... peria goreng!

Hmm.. I feel much better writing this than a post on Noraini Ahmad.

what we did on a 3-day weekend

This entry lacks substance. I just wanted to kill time. Killing other things would just be... too messy.

Thank God for Buddhists, yesterday was a holiday.

I'm kinda unsure about this three-day weekend deals.. yeah it's nice to have a public holiday on either a Friday or a Monday... But it's definitely bad for my body (ie. pigging out sessions) and also mental health.

Why do I say mental health? That's because three day weekends are so wonderful that on the third day, it's like losing someone you love. You just can't let go on the third day, knowing that the next day you'll have to be up early to be in the office. So on the evening of the third day I will be the nastiest of all creatures, mood-wise. And whoever that's closest to me will bear the brunt la.. in this case, The Diver.

Oh well, since this is a substance-less entry, let's get it on with the things I did over the three day weekend...

On Saturday nite we had a pot luck supper at Aiz's cool place, Lima Puluh Satu or limapuluhsatu (mana satu ni Aiz?). Didn't know that it's also a birthday do for Aiz, whose birthday is on Thursday 22nd May. Happy Birthday, KAKAK!!!!

No one else will be able to match this... tiny cake, but cut with such drama....

On Sunday afternoon, while I was lounging with The Diver, had a chat with Gemgem on YM over where to go for food.. I told him The Diver and I are going to Raju's, then Gemgem said why don't we go to Ipoh. Ipoh, boleh? There was a moment where JB was also mentioned... but it was already 2 pm then... we'd thought it's a tad bit too late. Finally after a few minutes of our YM discussion, Gemgem said he'll treat us to seafood dinner at Unique Seafood, PJ. Yeay!

Drooling... drooling...

Kam Heong Alaskan Spider Crab... made us kam...

I can GUARANTEE you oysters are not aphrodisiacs... (kenapakah aku sangat bitter?)

We had other dishes, grouper fish, alaskan crab cooked in butter and cream, asparagus... but i'm too lazy to steal the pics from The Diver's Facebook. After that seafood dinner we adjourned to K3J for our little soiree of chitchats and post dinner happy drinks.

Since we missed Raju's on Sunday, and everyone knows a banana-leaf craving MUST be fulfilled, or you will be permanently thinking about it every second of the day, The Diver took me to Raju's. Freshly fried roe, fried squid rings with crispy onion slices, fried ikan kerisi....... and mango lassi to top it all off. The curry doesn't taste the same anymore, something lacking... I prefer Nirwana Maju's curry better. But of course, it was a lovely lunch nonetheless because it was with my Diver... (barf Aiz, barf!)

SD, we need to go there this weekend.

By the way, my food pics (except of the prawns) are all The Diver's. So if we breakup nampaknya semua gambar2 ni akan diambil semula, or he might sue me over some copyright infringement shit. Please pray that we don't.

OK done, I'm gonna take a shower and check out my new flabs...

the only good pink thing right now is sirap bandung

"Siti rasa bangga la setelah menang dalam pilihanraya...yang lain-lain tu biarlah rahsia..." Yes, she and Siti probably possess the same IQ level.

I am going to bertanding in the next General Election.

I just need to add more blond streaks, join Puteri UMNO (I might be over the age limit, can someone check? tapi kalau gi botox sikit mesti boleh tukar umur), lose another 4 kgs, screw one or two Datuks, bat my false eyelashes at KJ, get a boob job (yes SD, this is the reason WHYYYY) and say this during my campaign:

"Assalamualaikum, nama saya Datuk so-and-so, undilah Barisan Nasional. BYEEE!!!!"

Makcik in green: "Did she ever finish high school?"

Because in a freaking nutshell, that was what Noraini Ahmad, Ketua Bimbo Pink Kaler, could muster in her campaign speeches in the last General Election. My sister, Zaza, who was back from Japan for her break had the privilege to see Noraini make a fool out of herself in March.

That was all Noraini could say. Vote for me, vote BN. Itu pun orang tak dengar, because my sister said suara dia macam semut.

I'm a very forgiving person. If you're an idiot, you can make up for it in a lot of ways. Trust me ok, I'm not that smart but I have a lot of defence mechanisms that I use in the office, some people think I'm a genius.

Guy in red baju melayu: "Oh boy, all my years of hard work serving the community and here I am standing next to this loser in pink yang tak pernah balik kampung. What an insult."

Ms Noraini, maybe you can brush up on your people skills for a start. I was there when the election results were announced for her constituency, Parit Sulong. Everyone was all edgy, knowing that the Opposition was making headway in certain states. Oh yeah she was edgy too, edgy and on the phone and SMSing and so oblivious of the fact that SHE is one of the electoral candidates. Kampungfolks were looking at her, her scrawny figure in baju kurung, tudung-clad, porcelain complexion. She was all pretty-pretty and so not ready to become the MP for Parit Sulong.

When the results were announced, BN supporters cheered, everyone in the school hall hugged each other, patted each other's backs, some shed tears. My mother personally thanked everyone who helped with the campaigning -for their time, support, blood, sweat and tears. But Ms Noraini was just there shaking hands, lending out a fake-ass smile. I just looked at her in disbelief. Not a word of thanks to her supporters. This here, is the Puteri UMNO President, behaving like an imbecile. She absolutely has no people skills, no sense of etiquette and .... basically she has no common sense at all.

And lo and behold, Pak Lah made her Deputy Minister of Human Resources. Like, hello????? Aku rasa lagi baik letak Paris Hilton. At least she pretends to act more stupid than she actually is, and make tons of dough out of that.

Thank god I'm not the only one who thinks Noraini's an idiot. A better read would be here.

And Noraini also said this in his speech during last year's UMNO General Assembly:

"Justeru, suka Puteri menyarankan supaya diwujudkan garis panduan lebih jelas mengenai apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh disiarkan menerusi laman web serta laman blog dengan satu peraturan ditetapkan mengenai tindakan tegas yang boleh diambil jika melanggar peraturan berkenaan."

WHAT THE....???

And if you read the whole text of the speech, she was taking every simplistic solution to every issue there is in this country. Kids go missing, blame the parents. Use every act there is on the face of the earth ISA, OSA, apekebendanya act entah to combat rumor-mongering. Stop TV stations from promoting reality TV shows that ask viewers to SMS - that is unethical. That's Noraini in a nutshell for you.

Well my take on all this is: SCRAP THE WHOLE PUTERI UMNO THINGY. If we do not have enough intelligent women to be in this organisation, why waste the effort, time and money.

Will Puteri UMNO just close shop already!

get a barf bag ready

It's Sunday night. Always a sobering moment.

Let me tell you a story about The Diver and I. Cuz I do hear things on the grapevine about our relationship, and some people who read my blog that find it outrageous that I'm dating him. Such deviltry, according to some. Why? Because The Diver used to date an online friend of mine.

So let's explore this unwritten rule that you shouldn't date your friend's ex.

The Diver broke up with his ex girlfriend in December 2007. Oh no, not a breakup. He was dumped, in a rather ugly way, but that's just my own humble opinion. His ex, who is my online friend, The Diver and I became friends sometime in September. And we first met at a buka puasa do at my place last year.

The Diver and I have always been platonic friends. Even after his breakup. The only times we were in contact was casual Hi's through YM, a teh tarik session and a lunch with a mutual friend. That's about it.

And he'd drop comments on this blog, most of the times teasing about the stupid crush I had on his dad. Crush, people, bukan infatuation ke apa ke ok.

There was never an iota of attraction - physical or emotional between him and I. When he was down in the dumps after the breakup, I was not even there for him. Well occassionally we'd say hi on YM and he'd tell me how he felt, and I'll just go .. "oh... hang in there, things are gonna get better". That's about it.

I wanted to reach out, but I didnt. God knows how bad I wanted to reach out because of the sorry state that he was in. Reason number one, I had my own set of demons to deal with. Reason number two, I don't want to be there for my friend's ex. I'm a single mother - I get shit all the time. I didn't want to be that woman who offers a shoulder to cry on to someone that is in such a vulnerable state. Because whatever happens after that, I'll be the bitch that's the talk of the town.

It went on that way... until I hosted Burger Nite in early March, 11th of March if I'm not mistaken. It was the first time that we'd met since November 2007.

It was funny. The moment I saw him, I felt so happy. So relieved that he was still smiling, after his devastating breakdowns end of 2007. And throughout the night, we were so comfortable with each other. The comfort level between both of us were just, amazing. Amazing - for lack of a better word. I didn't even noticed that we both were so at ease with each other.

Three days later, we went out on a date. And the rest, they say, is history.

So, NO, betches, I didn't steal The Diver from my online friend. He broke up in December, we went out in March. So, mamat ni dah habis eddah OK.

And no, it's not weird going out with a friend's Ex. If the friend is not a best friend (like an online friend), I think it would be OK. I wouldn't recommend going out with your best friend's Ex though. Now that can be quite.... EERIE.

I'm not justifying this to anyone. I just needed something sensational to write about. And The Diver can't call me chicken anymore after this.

SeaDemon, you are Chicken.