are you a dumper or a dumpee?

Honestly, I've always been the DUMPER.

I've never gotten dumped before (except for that one time with this MCOBA guy but that wasn't really officially dumped, it just didn't happen the way I wanted it to be). And because I've always been the one who dumps the boyfriend, that was a very unsettling moment in my life. Like there was never a proper closure, so I hold this grudge until today, even. Not la grudge in that sense but that little, tiny speck of ketidakpuasanhati that I have.

Why do I dump people? I dump people because I have to do it before they do it to me. I know that sounds selfish. Oi, MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT OK!!! A friend once asked me (a friend ok, not A Friend...sheesh...) how do you actually dump people and make it look so easy. She was referring to my pre-marriage days la. I had quite a reputation back then. Lemme tell you, it ain't that easy.

Wanna know how I do it? Once I detect some kind of anomalies in the relationship, I right away jump to Step 1:

Step 1. The Emotional Detachment Phase
Dumping someone is a gradual phase. To properly dump someone you need time. When I say properly, I mean dumping and not turning back and say... "Oops, I actualy didn't mean that!" Don't think you can do it in the blink of an eye. First you gotta slowly emotionally detach yourself from him. Don't expect his sms'es, don't wait for his calls, learn to do everything on your own. Know that you CAN live without him. Learn to leave without him.

Step 2. The Finding Fault Phase
If you find Step 1 excruciating, jump to Step 2. Find the things that you DETEST about him. It might be his nasty habits, his laziness, his stupid comments about a certain movie, his awful song preference, etc. Then AMPLIFY the negativities. Talk to your girlfriends about it if it helps. Think, "Ewww... how could I go out with someone like that!!!"

Step 3. The Getting Over Him Phase
This is the hardest part, trying to ignore the songs that remind you of him, the places that you guys go to, the first kiss you had with him, the smell of his perfume, his favourite words, the look on his face when he says he loves you... SNAP OUT OF IT! Find distractions. What I do is probably get a new hair colour, have a total makeover (buat la threading eyebrows tu...) go for a facial, look hot! Retail therapy works well too. By the way, you still gotta do Steps 1 & 2 even at this stage so you don't go into a relapse.

4. The Replacement Phase
Since you've done all that you are so ready for this phase. This is the icing on the cake, the ciggie after a nasi kandaq meal, the ice-cold lemonade on a scorching August day. Trust me, there is no better feeling than to flaunt your newfound replacement to the dumpee. Trust me!

Go on now, you're ready to dump someone!

p/s: by the way, it will hurt. did i mention that already?