the wrong action / reaction

Sometimes, when you have been sorely missing someone you just don't know how to act when he comes back. Your mind gets mixed up with so many emotions - there's anger (why were you gone so long!) there's longing (God, I just so want to be with you it hurts) there's sadness (i've been doing nothing when you weren't around) there's frustration (why can't we be together?) and then there's just sheer happiness (I'm so glad to see you and you look super hot too)

With all those feelings jumbled up, I will always end up looking awkward when I see that person. Then I will get "You look so tense..."

Tense is definitely not the word, baby. Then with that kind of remark, you do the auto-switch mode, you smile and pretended not to care. But deep in your heart you wish there are words that can say how much you've missed them.

I missed you while you were away. No, I was not happy when you're not around.

There, I said it.

the domestic goddess

This weekend is all about home :) - cooking, cleaning, udpating my recipe scrap book, grocery shopping (more like hypermarket-hopping for me) and yes I do have my bibik around it's just... I feel like a cross between Martha Stewart and Nigella Lawson over the weekend and I better make full use of this person before she slips away!

Saturday morning is my usual Pasar Tani trip, bright and early. I love the Pasar Tani cuz it reminds me of the wet market back home in Batu Pahat. And those exotic ulams that I am so fascinated with, I so love them. And on the same day it's a trip to Giant, Cold Storage and then today to Carrefour. I just prefer to buy different things at different places. That's just me.

Made seafood spaghetti olio for lunch today. And I have a picture to prove it too. Might not look all that, but trust me, it's quite lip-smacking. Those interested in my recipes can click here (still nothing much, a work in progress). As usual made too much and my officemates wouldn't mind bearing the burden of eating leftovers tomorrow I think.

It's almost 7 now and I just wanna put my feet up and savour the rest of the Sunday. Going for a nightcap with Ayu later. I don't think I'll be doing this domestic goddess thing again next week. Vivacous vamp, maybe?

room to breathe

I haven't had an asthma attack in a year(I was not an asthmatic kid, just developed asthma when I was pregnant with the boys). Then it came again tonight.

And I know now the root cause of it is not because I was overweight or pregnant or whatever. It's the friggin stress. I was talking to H on the phone over the big D, and then it came. The dry cough, the tight chest, the dreaded wheez.

It came right after H told me about the Plan.

A Friend, where are you when I need you most.
Puff puff. Nitey, all.

the daily grind

Oh wow, I'm back at work after a week of medical leave. The funny thing is, yesterday I was out and about - right after a visit to the doctor's, had lunch with my friends at Impiana, hung out at KLCC, went around MNG, Zara, Parkson, Isetan, M&Spencer, La Senza and then came back home and went out again. Yup, had a nightcap with Ayu at Starbucks at GE Mall while our sons battle the PS2 at home. Went to bed around midnight feeling all good.

Today, I came back to the office had breakfast with Ida and Ita and as we were in the elevator going up, I felt a bit queasy. By the time the lift got to 37th floor, I ran to the toilet and puked my guts out. And now the nausea and dizziness are kinda sinking in.

My theories:

1. I'm allergic to the air at Empire Tower.
2. My body is reacting to work and telling me that this job might not be it for me after all... OR
3. Aku ternampak muka ane ni this morning...

Tolong.

i'm too sexy

This morning over a rushed breakfast a male friend said, "Confidence makes a woman so sexy". And although my throat was in excruciating pain from the sambal sotong, I stopped and thought... "YES THAT'S IT!!!!!"

I could've shouted Eureka. All my life I've always tried to be confident. Especially around men, and especially at the office, because that's when I think I needed to be a tad bit territorial. And I've had 2 or 3 guys telling me that I am, not in the literal sense of the word, sexy. I've gotten remarks like "strangely sexy" - and I thought, what the hey, I don't even wear short skirts and sexy tops to the office. Why lah? Now I geddit.

Don't get me wrong, most people who know me won't say "sexy" is a top-of-mind recall when my name is mentioned. I've always been called tembam or cute (euphemism for tembam la), interchangeably. But sexy, only to a few people. And I've always wondered why, until today.

Oh god, I do sound so perasan in this posting...trust me, I AM NOT.

dirty laundry

We had that argument again tonight, same stuff. Why do you still want me when we both are not in love with each other? Why? Why won't you let me go? And he will say will till year end, I will let you go. Everytime he says that, I take it with a pinch of salt. For me, it's just buying time to turn me into a psychotic monster and for him to use up his privilege that I have been providing for him all this while.

I'm being brutally honest, H and me, haven't been living like husband and wife since last year in November. When I was pregnant with Yunus (early 2005), I decided that I couldn't be with this guy anymore. I need someone who can provide for the family and also give me the TLC that I deserve. With H, it's like having 2 extra kids to take care of.

I used to think I was selfish for saying all that. But I lasted 7 godforsaken years. SEVEN. 7 years of treading carefully on what to say so as not to hurt him, of thinking how to survive until month's end, of working my butt off to be the breadwinner of the family, of living in fear of a vengeful husband, of waiting to be swept off my feet. Waiting, still waiting.

Someone today told me that he has a theme for living this year. How interesting, I thought. I never knew you can have annual themes for living - maybe life is like a party after all! His theme is "Sayangi diri sendiri". I have decided to adopt this theme of his.

I do deserve a better life, I even told my dad this. For now, I can only hope that H's words are stronger than oak.

oh bimbo, where art thou?

While having one of our funny little conversations, A Friend asked, "How do you really tell who's a bimbo and who's not? I mean, what's the definition of a bimbo?"

At that time I was stumped (blame it on the elephant-dose medications). My gut feeling was going to just answer him, "Anyone who considers AF kids as real ARTISTS!" - but that would be just too below the belt for A Friend.

While showering just now, I was actually verbalizing in my mind what I think a bimbo is.

Let me paint this picture for you, a 25-year old has been working as a Corporate Comm executive in a listed company for about 6 months, and she does not even know that a subsidiary of that listed company is even AN EXISTING COMPANY. "Hey, xxxx tu company ke apa?"

Note that she said "company ke apa?". Dia ingat persatuan ke, or even Sports Club. Here she was, being in the department that was supposed to be THE resource centre, and not knowing that kind of information. And I'm not taking about an obscure, dormant company, I'm talking about one of the active, more prominent one!

IMHO, a bimbo is someone who is unaware of her surroundings, insensitive to changes, obsessed with herself and things that only matter to her and does not have a desire to learn things other than what she does every day.

Being stupid alone does not make you a bimbo. So A Friend, I hope I have answered your question.