penipu

This might come as a surprise to you but I used to go out with a married man.

It was a very dark chapter in my life and I am honestly not proud of it. In the 7 years I was married to an abusive, angry, lazy man, I never once cheated on him. I never once looked at a guy and even THOUGHT of having an affair. Even when I was so unloved and so neglected. Never once.

But at the end of my marriage, I went out with a married man and my reputation was tarnished forever (more on my reputation in another post). It happened right before my divorce. Let's just call him Lip Service. See, because I have been stupidly loyal throughout my marriage, the decision for me to go out with Lip Service was made after he actually said he loved me, because I don't simply GO OUT with people. A promise of marriage was made, and then I finally decided that yes, I shall bear the brunt of being The Other Woman, I shall sacrifice and wait for Lip Service to find the "right time" (and I will always tell him that there will never be a RIGHT time) to tell his wife of our relationship and hopefully she will understand and they will get a divorce and we will get married and live happily ever after.

I was not naive. I went into the relationship knowing that it's a 50-50 sing-or-float thing (ek eleh, sink-or-float lah... sorry for the typo). After over a year of clandestine meetings, SMSes, lunches, dinners, tete-a-tete's, I could smell that he was a bit too slow for my own good.

His "I love you's" were uttered too many times, but just not enough. I was heavily involved with him, I helped him conceptualize his business, which was supposed to be an 'avenue' for us to get married (I didn't see the logic behind it at all, but he did) and I was getting way too deep.

Now after 7 years of shit, I was able to rationalize things better. I decided to pull out from the relationship. There were no formal break-ups, no teary farewells - I just faded away. And at that point, he knew that whatever words that came-up from his mouth meant jack shit to me. He knew. Despite his reassurances, I decided to walk away.

The funny thing is, when I was going through all that, The Diver was always there for me emotionally, as a friend. We both sometimes talk to each other about our relationships, and how they're going to end. We laughed, we joked, we bitched. And I'm glad we did all that, because now we completely understand and most importantly value each other so much. *I LOVE YOU DADDYKINS* (iklan jap).

That was why I got a bit pissed when I found out recently that Lip Service's wife thought that him and I were only a fling. It was nothing serious, just a stupid affair that Lip Service dabbled in, probably a mid-life crisis thing. I was pissed, but not surprised, really. In spite of all those talks about marriage, about expanding the business, about spending the rest of our lives together and also he admitted to CONFESSING to his wife of his love for ME, in the end they were all lies. So now I have only one thing to say to him... UP YOURS!

the perils of love

It's pathetic how sparse my updates have been in 2009. Honestly, I put the blame entirely on Facebook because that's a dangerous addiction that I've completely succumbed to. Tak cukup dengan Facebooking, updating status, commenting on people's status and photos - I'm also hooked on Pet Society and Restaurant City. And ini semua salah si Aiz (hahahah!!!).

Anyway, The Diver was away last week in Sipadan and yesterday, after a day arriving from Tawau he was off to Lumut for work. I have this thing when The Diver is away, I will become emotional, and hypersensitive tak tentu arah. And then I start seeking solace on comfort foods, or anything that is within my reach, in this case today on Kartika Sari's Brownies and Pisang Molen that I brought back from Bandung.

Well anyway, that's not my point.

My point is, there is a confession that I have to make.

The Diver and I have been together for more than a year. And usually after a year, relationships start to you know, slow down a bit, and you would want your own "space" (whatever that means). But this time around, it's not like that. And we see each other almost every day, the most we've been away was just for his Sipadan trip, ie, 5 friggin' days.

It hurts to be away from him, and it hurts more even after our more than a year relationship. It seems that I am more dependent on him now than I ever was. I need him more than ever, and can't seem to do without him. I'm becoming Miss Dependent and I love it. I feel all good and flowery and bubbly and too jiwang maybe for my own friends to take. And that scares the heck out of me.

Am I anal? Am I just psycho for feeling this way? Am I just scared of feeling good, feeling loved just because I was so used to a crappy marriage and shitty relationships before?

Let's just leave those unanswered, for now.

with you, i can never ask for more...

This is a thank you note that is long overdue.

These people helped made our nikah ceremony much more meaningful and special. At first The Diver and I wanted an intimate, family and very very close friends nikah, followed by a simple brunch at the Clubhouse. No frills. But with the help of these people it turned out to be still an intimate affair but much nicer than I'd ever thought it would be. And everyone had fun too!

Firstly, I wanna thank my sister, Zaza, for coming home all the way from Japan, with her husband Kazu. I'm so glad that we waited for you to have this wedding, cuz it would've been the wrong thing to do without having you guys around! Zaza and Azrin, my cousin, took so many lovely shots for us that day! (And they work for food too, so we didn't have to pay them!)

Our family of camwhores... Yes people, this was in the mosque...kehkehkeh....

My aunt, cousins and again Kazu and Zaza transformed the Clubhouse into something quite magical. We had garlands of jasmine strewn all over the banister, and we had sundal malam (Komar cakap tuberose) as posies on the tables. The whole place was engulfed in such a heavenly scent!

Props to mah man Dalina, the head florist. Muahahahah.. Buat bunga sambil hisap rokok... who can top that? She got so stressed probably that she wanted to eat all the sundal malams in the pic above.

Zaza and Kazu did this lovely mehndi for my hands. It was a nightmare, they did it at 4 am and it turned out BRILLIANT!I'm also extremely happy that my makeup artist could make it even at the very last minute! Sorry Kak Monnie, my bad! She is so talented and she's also my senior from school. Yes, my Srikandi buddies are good enough for the A-Z's of ANY wedding, I tell ya! Thank you Kak Monnie for hiding my panda eyes and making this 34-year-old bride not look THAT bad.

Having something to eat before the nikah. The girls really calmed me down.. hehehe... Although I was a bit hesitant wearing that little tiara. Tu lah, lain kali jangan kutuk Siti Nurhaliza lebih-lebih.My heart goes out to my Dad (in yellow shirt), for having faith in us. And for agreeing to have the nikah on that day in spite of the crazy busy week that he was having.

Some of my cousins who were at the wedding - thank you for making everything more FUN!! They can laugh all night and day macam orang gila...

To my two naughty ones, Yunus and Medina (Ali not in picture sebab dia kurang naughty) thank you for behaving yourselves at the mosque.

Ida and Ita were gracious enough to be the sponsor of cupcakes that day! Thank you lunch buddies!To our Brady Bunch family, and my new 4 stepchildren - although I only get to be your stepmom on Sundays thank you for accepting me as a part of your lives.

And these people, are my friends till the end. They've been with us through our ups and downs. Amazingly, we don't get tired of seeing their faces at least once a week! And the wedding after-party at Las Carretas kicked assssss!!!!! I love you guys.

And finally, to The Diver - I love the way we always laugh together and also at each other! Thank you for sticking by me in tough times and thank you for knowing me, inside out like the back of your hand. Your understanding is just.... matchless!

My sincerest thanks to all of you for making our big day so special. It was definitely my idea of the perfect wedding - small, simple, fun and I was definitely all smiles!

after 10 minutes, still no title. so what the heck...

The signs. God has shown signs that I should update my blog.

Last year, I did weekly updates, but this year I'm guilty of monthly ones. And my writing - I don't know, it seems that I have lost my mojo. Today, I can't write as well as I could maybe two, three years back, I can't think of anything acerbic when I need to people-bash, I turned to stuffing my face with food rather than write when I'm pissed off with someone... you get the drift. Orang kata, bukan aku, tapi orang... people produce their best works when they're sad, or depressed, or angry... So maybe I should be depressed again? Ish... pegang kayu...sentuh kayu...

Anyway, back to the signs. Gilabaa punya digress kat atas tu...

Something happened yesterday and today that made me realize, maybe those are signs that I should update my lame-ass blog.

Yesterday, after our Sakae Sushi dinner The Diver and I were greeted by this smiley-faced Adik. At first I thought, this must be The Diver's diving anak buah or something, and The Diver thought, hmm.. this must be budak junior STF who knew me...Then suddenly she went, "You guys don't know me but I read your blogs!!!"

Azlin the Adik who reads our blog, The Diver and I...

I didn't know what to feel. Embarrased, mainly because I haven't been updating at all. Embarassed for also not being able to write as coherently or as interestingly as I used to. But of course, I was flattered too! And honoured, for a stranger to come up to you and congratulate you for finally finding true love. And today she e-mailed The Diver, and I'm putting up this one line which made me go AWWWWWWWWW!!!!! , I hope you don't mind Adik...

"If there are people who have given up on hope,love,happiness; I told them how you guys met and what both of you went through."

Cerita belum habis lagi kak.

So an hour ago, I checked my Yahoo mail, since FizRi said he emailed the STF dinner picture to that email address. And guess what I found (besides FizRi's e-mail la)... jeng jeng jeng....

An email entitled, "The Day It's About Time", addressed to me. Cuba teka siapa punya blog posting yang titlenya selalu bermula dengan "The Day".. And she said she "sebak" when she read one of my older posts, and that in turn made me "sebak" HUHUHUH UHUUUUUU....WTF la, must be an STF thing this crying over god-knows-what, but I like being able to be sebak and menyebakkan ... And that's not all she said. I don't think I want to disclose it here but suffice to say, I didn't think she would find my blog enjoyable at all cuz hers is like the Manolo of all blogs.

But anyway, those are the signs my friends. And update, I shall (try).

And I will also try to refute the fact that people can only write their best when they're at their worst.

And before I end, let me indulge you with a group photo (taken by FizRi) of some ladies from our batch from STF, at last week's Glitterati a la Femme Dinner (nama yang sangat takde maknanya... tapi takpe)

me no spik englis

With two events coming up in less than a week, and a pre-planned weekend in Tioman coming up, I barely have time to breathe at the office. But I HAVE to write this because I'm soooooo sick of getting resumes/calls for interships from Mass Comm students who speak worse English than my 7 year old.

Every day, I'm just so appalled at the deteriorating command of English that of our Malay grads. It's amazingly appalling. And I don't know how or why this has become so bad.

I mean, if you say that these grads come from a "kampung" background, I really beg to differ. I come from a not-so-kampung kampung but my primary school friends came from very diverse backgrounds, some even from the lower income group. And we can speak English well because our English teacher, Mrs Tan made us SPEAK English in English classes. So yes, I believe teachers do play an important role in this. Also, our English teacher speaks impeccable English, with proper grammar... unlike English teachers nowadays.

And I hate it when Malays have this stupid notion that when you speak English it makes you less Malay. Bukak la mata sikit... if you work in a multinational company, how are you suppose to climb the corporate ladder when all you can say is "Watper beb? Katner beb?".

And nak kata these grads are SOOOOO excellent in Malay pun tak jugak. When they speak in Malay, they sound like minah / mat rempits. And to make it worse, they won't event ATTEMPT to speak English. I've dealt with so many Chinese suppliers/business partners or whatever, and their English is berterabur as well, but they will just bulldoze and speak as long as the other party can understand what they're saying, they're fine.

I've lost my point in writing this because I've digressed too much. I've just had it with our local Malay grads... the main reason why I'm writing this post is to share with you a snippet of a resume that was sent to me by a UPM Communications student who's majoring in Corporate Communications, in her third year. She's applying for an intership post in my department:

"DIRI SAYA
Saya adalah seorang yang rajin dan bermotivasi dalam mencapai matlamat yang saya inginkan. Saya juga seorang yang mudah dibawa berbincang dan mempunyai kemahiran berinteraksi dengan pelbagai pihak. Ini bersesuaian dengan pengkhususan saya di dalam bidang Komunikasi Korporat. Untuk mencapai kejayaan kita perlu mempunyai pegangan dan ayat ini adalah pendorong saya selama ini “ do or do not, no try-try”."

OUCH.

sometimes i so want to have my own torture chamber for idiots like these

This is a test. Cuba korang baca e-mail bawah ni. Paham tak?

Greetings all,

This year, instead of traditional printed cards, we have opted to go with an environmentally-friendly way to send festive wishes to our friends, business associates and clients. Instead of the traditional paper greeting cards, you can now send e-cards to them! Simply click on this link http://www.xxxx and you’re able to send wishes for the upcoming Chinese New Year.

Since this is new to us, there are quite of a few things that need to be ironed out so please let Rhonda (bukan nama sebenar) and I know should you encounter any glitches.

Please use only the company email addresses (don’t use your Gmail or Yahoo) in the “Sender” box.

Have fun sending out your e-cards and thank you for helping us reduce carbon footprint!

I sent out this email two weeks back to everyone in the company. And this morning sorang Nyonya yang terkenal dengan memakai baju jinjang-joe as office attire dan juga wedding orang Melayu, came to my room and asked,

"Can I have the Chinese New Year cards?"

Nak terbelahak aku masa tu sebab tengah minum teh ais, "Didn't you get my email?" I said.

"Yes I did, but some people want real cards."

Cipet.

Tak paham ke apa yang aku tulis kat atas tu? Was my e-mail unclear or dia yang blur?

Tu je lah nak vent out. Aku memang takde cerita sensasi.

welcoming the new year

Dear 2009,

I hope you will be good to me. 2008 was a good one, but I'm sure you can be better. 2007 was a roller coaster of extreme shittiness and extreme happiness, so 2007 has its ups and downs. 2008 was more stable - in all aspects of my life.

What's good about 2007 is that that was the year that I first met The Diver. Albeit only as friends at first, I finally met this awesome blogwriter whose blog I frequent nightly before I go to bed. That was also the year I was officially divorced, I'd rather call it emancipated - which was good because after all those years of pent-up anger, verbal and physical abuses I managed to free myself from a life that's not worth living. In 2007 too I was going out with one Mr Lip Service who's supposed to take care of me and the kids, someone who promised me the world. It's good that I took everything with a pinch of salt. Somehow 7 years of bad marriage taught me how to not believe.

In early 2008, in fact on 1st January 2008 I let myself free of all the feelings for Mr Lip Service. I could've stayed but I am through with all this drama and fighting and breaking people's hearts. Plus Mr Lip Service had no balls. I shall not elaborate further.

A lot of people say that The Diver and I have a perfect relationship, but in truth all relationships have their own flaws. We have been happy in 2008, and we wish to be happier in 2009. I wish for The Diver to be less temperamental.. and I hope that I can be less picky and moody. Yes I do pick on him on certain days :P But that's only because I love him. Heheh. Make sense ke?

Last year I also had tons of fun with my friends, new and old ones. It's great when you have common friends with your partner - there's no such thing as "your" friends and "my" friends. They're all OUR friends. And both The Diver and I love them to death.

So 2009, I hope you will be awesome to all of us.

Love,
JZ