moving on, moving forward

So after spending probably three months literally glued to each other, going on short trips and getaways and other things couples do during the geting-back-together period, The Diver starts a new 9-5 job today.

I am happy for him. It all happened when I asked him one day, "why don't you try something outside the oil & gas industry?" and by a stroke of luck, after asking an ex-colleague of mine about job opportunities in her current workplace, there was one opening that suited The Diver well.

I am happy for us, because once again we're back on our feet and are financially more stable.

Can one feel happy and shitty at the same time? Of course one can.

During his last couple of months at work last year was the time he strayed. Too trusting of me that I even close one eye when he was flirting with her on Instagram. I was THAT trusting, but when one day I called him and didn't get through, I really thought something was off.  And then a few times when he said his boss wanted him to stay back a while, and it was weird because he basically was not doing much work by then because it was his final few weeks already. So many memories that still hurt.

So him working reminded me of those cheating days. But then again, him not working doesn't guarantee that he wouldn't cheat.

We're closer than ever now. And I'm also glad to say that I am a calmer person than who I was last year. I love myself more, and after going through the traumatic phase, I know my self worth.

And most importantly, I know who loves me, unconditionally and wholeheartedly.

the L word

Ever since I got back together with The Diver, some people (friends and non-immediate relatives) have been avoiding me. Having said that, I am blessed to also have friends that are supportive and family members that love me to bits whichever road I may take.

A few justified it as "people don't feel comfortable being around a troubled couple" and some said that they didn't think it was a good idea, a frail union they say. Most of them think that I will go through the same thing again in future, and to back out now is the best option.

Run while I still can.

I understand their concern. I may be the forgiving, pushover wife, but I am not the clueless wife.

What I am most upset was the fact that someone said that I stayed because of the "convenience". I don't know who said this but whoever it was, she or he sure as hell don't know what the fuck convenience is. This has been the most INCONVENIENT phase of my life. Ever.

I stayed because of love. Love doesn't pay the bills, love is blind, love makes you lose your sense of judgment. But the best description of love is from a good friend: "Love is mysterious, it can collide with hate and yet it's still called love."

There are things that hurt me, things that The Diver still does. Some behavior that just can't be changed, things that I have tolerated for the past 7 years. Little things that used to NOT matter now matter because of the recent separation.

The fear, the trauma, the anxiety.

Our marriage is complex. I don't expect everyone to understand why I still love him.

Warts and all.

a sign of the times

I turned 40 on the 27th of December. 3 days ago.

When I was a kid I thought turning 40 meant using a walking stick, wrinkled as a raisin. Thank God I'm far from being that! I look pretty decent for a 40-year old with 3 kids and nursing a broken heart. At least that's what people have been telling me. Or were they just being polite?

Age was the thing that freaked me out when The Diver was having the affair. The girl was 27, he was 48. Ten million people told me to take a chill pill and that this "fling" will pass. But I know my husband too well. Age is nothing to him. I think age is nothing to most men.

It is nothing, and it is everything too. The younger the catch is, the bigger the trophy. Everyone wants to be Michael Douglas and Catherine.

What broke my heart was that during our marriage he kept on saying that I was already young enough for him, and that he could not connect to anyone over 10 years younger. That there won't be a connection. He will never go out with anyone over 10 years his junior.

Never say never.

When he did, I noticed a change in him. He stopped blogging, saying that there were "no issues" to blog about. This coming from a prolific blogger was rather odd. His Tweets seem lacklustre, mundane, directionless. He used words like "adoiyai". Secretly, I wished to see him graduate to saying things like "geli, dowh." It never got to that, fortunately.

When we patched things up, he realized that "rejuvenation" wasn't what he was after. The whole thing was like a "knock in the head" - to use his own term. I hope it was a hard enough knock. Enough to knock him back to reality.

What I did not understand is how could a girl that age be crazy enough to be going out with someone old enough to be your father? When I found out that she once dated a 60-something, I know that age meant nothing to her as well.

But isn't it wasted youth? Financial stability and Freudian father complex aside, to me it is wasted youth.

Who I am to judge? She and I are different people. In my 20's the idea of going out with an older married man was scorned upon by society and laughed at by peers. The latter being a scarier punishment - where to put my face if bawak pakcik masuk Modesto's?

I guess times have changed.

begin again

The Diver calls this a period of "rediscovering each other". Of which I totally agree. Everything seems to be better between us, the conversations, the quiet times, the laughs, and the things that can't be mentioned here.

But having said all that, I wish I can forget and ignore, but what happened was so bad that it leaves a permanent scar. The extent of the damage is irreversible - friendships lost, family ties severed, trusts breached in the worst manner.

It's still December. It's still two-thousand-fucking-fourteen. I give myself till end January to be less bitter and sceptical. And then what happens? And then I don't fucking know.

In spite of the expletives above, things have been going great between The Diver and I. We know why we can't leave each other, we know why we still need each other and most importantly he knew where he went wrong.

We sleep holding hands.

We are more in love now that we were ever before.

But I am prepared for anything. Anything can happen and if it happens again I will not be very forgiving.

My life now is a roller coaster of emotions. Days and days of highs and lows. I try not to write or even think about the future because the future to me is just too unimaginable. I know she's lurking there, somewhere in the shadows, just waiting.

Now is truly the best of times, and the worst of times.

law and order

Do you know that a third party can be charged if she/he was the direct cause of your divorce?

KNOW IT.

I didn't know this until I went to take my marriage certificate at JAWI. And by chance, I was seated near an Ustaz who was also a marriage counselor. To cut a long story short, he was the one who told me that a third party can be charged for wrecking a marriage.

So I went home and Googled and found out more.

And to cut a longer story short, I found a lawyer who has experience doing it. She's not the syariah lawyer that I used for my divorce proceeding but another one recommended by a friend. I liked her instantly, she's practical, modern and most of all, ruthless.

So the complaint went to JAIS and a police report was made too. The latter is just a "procedure". Whatever that means.

Now that The Diver and I had reconciled, my lawyer was wondering if I wanted to withdraw the complaint. I told her that after my reconciliation, the third party was still trying to wreck our marriage, and unrelenting in her pursuit.

But now, now I do not know. At this moment, I don't care to know, because if I did, I would have asked JAIS to proceed with the next step.

So in the end I told my lawyer I needed time, and I said a few things that I should not be disclosing here. Take all the time you need, she said. My emotional perseverance is that of a marathon runner, so don't underestimate me.

Whatever it is, this case is till open until I tell her to close it. It's open, just like my bleeding heart.

This blogpost was done on the 1st Anniversary of my brother in law's passing, and I dedicate it to him because if he was around, he will be encouraging me to do what's right and to exercise my rights. Always.

strangers with memories

"How did you bounce back?"

"How did you heal yourself so quickly?"

"For someone who's gone through shit, you look quite composed."

Truth is, I haven't bounced back and I am far from being completely healed.

I still wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air, as if I was mid-sentence in a heated conversation.

I still have dreams of falling off a cliff or a high building. Only to wake up in cold sweat.

Although much lesser now, I still have one-of-those-nights. Because to me, it wasn't a heartbreak, it wasn't a break-up, it wasn't just a divorce. It was trauma.

Do you know that it is easier to re-ignite the sparks than to un-love someone? How do you un-love? I tried doing that in October. It was hard, but day after day, I managed to un-love.

But only in tiny little particles. Flecks. Specks of dust.  Too minuscule too measure, but given time, I might be able to un-love.

It was virtually impossible to un-love in a month, I realized. You can only try to hate his guts, but you can't undo love, especially when there was nothing wrong in our marriage in the first place.

And then he came back, somewhat. I said somewhat because he came back, but there were no promises. There were no guarantees. There was a bit of remorse, there was talk of hopes, the future, and not ever letting me go.  That was the promise he made. He'd never let me go.

We reconciled.

There was talk of giving him time to battle his demons. But there was no deadline. And I felt that it was too early to impose one on him now anyway.

There was talk of maybe we should have a baby together. But this requires a lot of time and thought (which neither one of us have).

Sometimes I wish we can go back to being strangers. But then I can't remember a time when we ever were.

Circa 2008.

that month of the year again

It is December.

I have written this before, how December used to be my favorite month but for the past few years it has been a luckless, tragic, heart-wrenching closing of every year.

My late brother-in-law passed away on the 10th of December 2013. As if the years before were not bad enough, it just went straight downhill from there.

This year, it is the month I will turn 40. 2 days after Christmas.

I want to write something about last night, but I fear of the happiness being shortlived. But as the wise (in my case, Baz Luhrmann) often say, "Do one thing every day that scares you". So I will write about it.

It was late. We were lying in bed watching TV and then The Last Stand came on. You know, one of those brainless Arnie movies. At times it was hilarious, other times downright silly but what we did was we laughed together.

At that moment I was happy, that hour and a half of entertainment and us ridiculously laughing and him trying to gauge my sleepiness (it was way past my weekday bedtime).

It was as if the affair never happened. It was as if the marriage belonged to only the two of us.

underneath it all

Is a relationship healthy when your partner does not divulge necessary information to the other?

I can hear a resounding NO in my head and it echoes through the lobes of my brains and rings out of my ears like the screams of a woman in labour.

I would not say my relationship with The Diver was based on lies. That is not entirely true. I know for a fact he loved me, and still loves me a lot. We crave each other's attention when we're apart, we stalk each other's Twitter accounts. The world shuts down when we are alone, together and we are set adrift on this ocean filled with memories, emotions, things we love and share. Sometimes, in the car, we silently sing the same melodies in our heads.

Us, being alone. Just us two. There is magic in us no one could every understand.

Yet there is a thorn in all that. A pesky, poking thorn that prods and jolts every now and then. A merciless thorn borne out of malicious intent.

So he chose not to disclose. To keep me happy, to keep us together, to keep the love alive.

At times he lies, and I let him. I could have asked him to prove things, but I know he couldn't. For instance I could have asked him: "Send me a picture of where you are." But what good would it do if he had lied? I hear the unsettled whispers of people out there... but dear readers please, do not judge me.

Is this transient? Will the lying stop when you weed out the thorn and throw it away forever? Will this be a fleeting moment? This is certainly not healthy, but does this work? WILL it work?

Only time will tell.

the month it crumbled

Most times, the worst happens when you least expect it. And by a horrific twist of fate, it happened to me in October.

The Diver had an affair. It wasn't a fling, but a full-fledged affair. Although it started only mid of August, it probably was a relationship that started afire. Suffice to say that in October we were apart, and he went on to discover this new person, new blood that he wanted to make part of his life.

Initially I blamed myself for letting this happen. Later on, I was smart enough not to do that. It was not my fault. She preyed, he strayed. And that was that.

I was broken. I lost 5kgs in a month, I started shedding hair like a dying cat and The Diver continued his unabashed coming-out with his new lover.

I also learned that for the other woman, this was not her first time wrecking people's marriages. She has done this way too many times. Maybe she thinks it's her birthright to screw people's husbands and put down their wives. She even lambasted me for being a housewife who married The Diver for financial security.

Well I prove her wrong. Two weeks after the incident blew up, I got myself a new job. She forgot that before being a housewife for two years, I have been working for the past 13 years of my life ever since I graduated. But what do you expect from a 27-year old, full of cockiness and misplaced confidence.

What made matters worse was, a person whom I regarded as a friend backstabbed me big time. During turbulent times when I engaged in a Twitter war with The Diver, she joined the bandwagon, only later to accuse me of orchestrating the war and being "the invisible hand". And when things went out control, pitted me against my friends to show them how evil I was. She even wanted to apologise to The Diver and told him that this was all my doing, and not her doing.

I want her to remember WHY she went on a Twitter war with the Diver. It had nothing to do with me, it was all because of her unhappiness with what supposedly The Diver said about her.

Quite honestly, I have bigger things to think about.

It's November now. I don't know how things will pan out. Whatever it is, this has got me back to writing again.

yes, I'm back (with a tiny little opinion)

It's been more than a year, so this subject must be important enough for me to start blogging.

I have never been so sickened by such a biased movie review. And that's the reason why I am writing this post. Yes, the movie is Tanda Putera and the review is by a Malay Mail columnist, Erna Mahyuni.

I read the review first before watching the movie. In a way, the review inspired me to watch it because it depicted the movie as an RM5 million "schlock". I was intrigued. So I watched it at Summit USJ because Subang Parade MBO wasn't showing it *shame on you MBO* with the hubs and around 13 other people in the audience on a Monday night.

My verdict: bad casting, mediocre acting, pathetic cinematography (are all Shumi's films like this? Don't think I've watched any) and I failed to relate to any of the fictitious characters. But what Tanda Putera delivered, it delivered with a punch - the message that mob mentality can trigger a deadly domino effect and the noble sacrifices of leaders past.

And what it did not deserve was that scathing and flawed review by Erna Mahyuni. Even her opening statement of 13 May being UMNO's "favourite bogeyman" goes to show that she is biased from the very beginning. Bogeymen aren't real, they're conjured up momoks to scare your kids, but 13 May my dear Erna was very much a real incident and you were not there to experience it first hand.

And no, Tanda Putera is not all about May 13th, contrary to popular belief - it was mainly about the lives of both the late Tun Razak and Tun Dr Ismail. So yes Erna, we can't detail out who's who in the Communist party and its "contribution" to our history, you might want to get someone to make a movie and focus on totally that. The New Village perhaps? 

She also wrote that the movie was one-sided and depicted the Chinese as "ungrateful" and "easily swayed by the evil Communists". Now this is ultimate bullshit. One scene shows how a Chinese farmer refused to disclose a very important information to the Communists which led to his own untimely demise. Were you snoring when this scene came out, Erna?

And by no means there were other scenes that show the Chinese as ungrateful, not even a dialogue equally cringeworthy to the headline of the year "Apa lagi Cina mau?". Shumi did make a feeble attempt at showing inter-racial friendship and how the May 13 issue affected it. So no, I did not feel that Tanda Putera vilify or demonise the Chinese, unless of course Erna could not differentiate between the Chinese and the Communists.

She also condescendingly wrote: "The biggest travesty about Shumi's script is that it paints two of our greatest statesmen as pompous idiots who do not trust their wives."

Now this is where she fails to understand the psyche of the Malay husband / leader at that time. No darling, that was not an era of metrosexuality. It is common for husbands, what more they who hold important position, to not talk to their wives about ANYTHING at all. And that does not mean that they do not trust them - that's just how the way husbands are at that time. And pompous? I suggest you all go watch the movie yourself and judge.

Like a big bully picking on a small fry, Erna's review was a disdainful attempt at creating a bogeyman out of Tanda Putera, a malicious piece that will cause non-Malays to not even consider watching the movie. I believe it was written will ill intention and in all honestly, between Tanda Putera and Erna's review, the latter is the one that can be deemed racially divisive. Watch the movie and you will see what I mean.

But of course, I am Malay and could not get anything through my thick skull.

The biggest travesty about Shuhaimi’s script is that it paints two of our greatest statesmen as pompous idiots who do not trust their wives. - See more at: http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/a-review-of-tanda-putera-a-film-that-takes-liberties-with-the-truth#sthash.NVduEyW5.dpuf

The biggest travesty about Shuhaimi’s script is that it paints two of our greatest statesmen as pompous idiots who do not trust their wives. - See more at: http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/a-review-of-tanda-putera-a-film-that-takes-liberties-with-the-truth#sthash.NVduEyW5.dpuf

mysterious ways

When I sit and stare and watch the world go by, I always think: God works in mysterious ways.

One day you're in love, and next day you lose that person, and five years down the road you know why God saved you from being with him. Both of you were just not meant to be. Looking back, if you're still with that person, your life would just be worse off in all aspects. Star-crossed lovers, as the story goes.

Then you fall in love with someone else, who you think will be able to love you unconditionally, only to find out later that you are absolutely wrong.

Disillusioned, played, blinded. 

But then again, he has given you everything you needed - comfort, material things, company, security, someone there for you all the time, every time. He can give you the world, but never his whole heart.

So you live with it, you soldier on, these mysterious ways.

 One of my Bali photos. Taken at Tanah Lot.

And then we went to Perhentian, where I dived at Sugar Wreck for the first time.

Here I am trying to post an entry on the second last day of my almost weeklong Bali getaway.

Thoroughly enjoyed it, although as hubs put it this was a "forced vacation" as it was supposed to be for a conference he had to attend, and then cancelled.

Glad we managed to do two dives, although only in Nusa Dua, and can't wait for another round of body massage tomorrow.

More pics in next entry when I get back to KL!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Island of the gods

holding on

I am quite sure that most of you have witnessed this incident.

A little stray cat comes up to a person in an eatery, and then the person shoos it away. Kitty comes back, meowing. Then the person gives a slight nudge to the kitty with his feet. Kitty loses its balance, and then comes back looking unperturbed. Irritated, the person gave it a stronger kick, screaming "Stupid cat!" at the kitty. It walks away for a while, and comes back again.

To persevere, to hold on, to face the pain in the name of love - does it constitute weakness?

Sometimes it doesn't, because one day that Kitty will be big enough to bite back.

scars

Time may heal but scars are forever.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

those three words

I've tweeted "those three words" before and most people thought I was in need of an "i love you" or "i miss you" or even "i hate you"!

Whenever I'm down in the dumps or in situations that overwhelm me to the core, all I need is....

"Are you okay?"

And that is all.

dusting the cobwebs

If there was an award for Neglected Blog of the Year this would be it.

And whenever I post an excuse of why I neglected you dear blog, there will always be a NEW reason. And this time the NEW reason is because we've been travelling too much that I barely have the time to blog. But of course, the main reason is because I was too busy whacking flies on Twitter.

Back to the travels... no, we haven't been diving at all in 2012! The good news is The Diver has planned for an end June trip to Bali, and we're booked for a November dive trip to our annual pilgrimage - Mabul/Sipadan.

After Bangkok, we flew to London for my FIL's convo, then I went for an all-girls trip to Phuket and after that a freeloader trip to Singapore (freeloader cuz it's all paid for by The Diver's company).

London was superb.

Fave London pic :P

Phuket was too short!

And Singapore was amazing. Cuz we had Lamb Shawarma (quite close in taste to the Taza ones in London) and I raided H&M for two straight days.

And now, I'm so looking forward to Bali!

on being a stepmother

Sometimes I overthink.

Well scratch that. Most of the times, I overthink. And overthinking, mostly in my case, will lead to something disastrous.

I have two teenage stepdaughters, the 16 year old one staying with us, the 19 year old one with my inlaws. And to handle them, especially the one staying with us, is a delicate balancing act.

She's smart, hardworking, pretty but at times, like ALL teenagers, has her own issues. I don't want to dwell on it here but at times I feel like advising her on things that she shouldn't be doing. Which I did.

But when the advice went unheeded, and I need to do it again, I feel like I am nagging already. And suddenly the image of the evil stepmother comes to mind. What would be "normal" for a biological mother to do to her daughter, suddenly becomes something that is sensitive.

What hurts most is that if that becomes the only thing that your stepdaughter thinks of you, someone who nags. What hurts too is that she will say she loves her father, her mother, her siblings, but not me. Never me.

What she doesn't know is that I love her with all my heart, like my own daughter. And I don't want to see her go down the wrong path in life.

What she doesn't know is that if something bad happens to her, if she does not excel in her studies etc, people will point the finger at me for not bringing her up properly.

Ah well, this is expected and I guess as the adult, I should better handle it emotionally. In the meantime, I am stuck with this thankless task.

a first for everything...

February was the month of many firsts.

The Diver finally got his passport renewed and took me to Bangkok. It was my first trip to the city and it helped that he spoke Thai. And it probably the most fun we had on a vacation! I found the city visually unappealing but the people friendly and loved the sightseeing of temples and going up the Chao Phraya. And of course the massages were to die for. We also spent a bomb on custom-made suits and a dress.

Last year The Diver told me he has never donned a wedding band, before... ever.. despite being married more than once :P So, this is what I bought him....

A freaking WEDDING RING! (I went overboard and bought him a Blue Topaz one)... might be too much bling for him but he's my pimp!

Another funny first is that I set foot in The Ship for the first time ever! Ok laugh all you may but all these years whenever I'm supposed to meet someone for a meal at The Ship, SOMETHING always crops up. So finally again, The Diver broke that jinx and took me out for lunch at the Sultan Ismail outlet.

Come Valentine's Day, which both of us don't celebrate. The Diver surprised me with a Valentine gift and a card. For the first time ever, we sorta "celebrated". I suppose after the whirlwind couple of months between us, it's brought back the spark (I hope! Ke aku yang perasan sorang2!).

Probably the most romantic thing he's ever written to me in a long, long time.

goodbye my poet

I took the pill that the doctor prescribed to me, and now I just woke up after 2 hours of sleep. My head is still throbbing, the pain is still there.

I guess the pill was not much of a help.

I once knew a poet who could write poetry that could bring tears to my eyes.

Today, he died.

(in)fidelity

I definitely don't want to sound sexist here but to me, men and women differ greatly when it comes to the question of "what constitutes as cheating?". Of course some exceptions are made but in general, their viewpoints will always differ. Hey, it's a Venus-Mars thing.

One cannot deny that during the course of a marriage, there could be some individuals (other than your spouse) that seem sexually attractive or pleasing to the eye. And no, there is no harm in people-watching or even admiring their looks. I would go as far as that. And beyond that, I call it cheating. Yes, I am THAT traditional.

The problem with cheating happens when a husband-wife team have differing definitions of cheating. For instance the husband goes out for breakfasts / lunches with lady friends. Even friends of the wife for example, without telling the wife. If it was a harmless meal, what's the harm in telling "Hey, I'm going to have lunch with your friend today". Why make it discreet? And sometimes they go as far as telling the friend, "Please make it discreet, don't tell my wife"

Now for the husband, it's ok because no one knows. And for the wife, it's betrayal, because the husband didn't tell her. And why the need for a one-on-one lunch with her friend? But get this, the silliest thing is that.... you asked out a friend of your wife??? Kau rasa kawan tu tak cakap ke ngan bini kau? Or maybe it's just the thrill of getting caught. We will never know.

And especially for the husband, it is NOT cheating because no physical intimacy took place. And that is where we differ boys and girls.

And some engage in online sex or even sex-ting (oh the advents of technology!) and still claim innocence as there was no penetration involved! Amazing! Talk about bending the rules!

Bottomline is, whatever it is that you did to betray the trust of your wife is a form of betrayal, and betrayal is cheating.

But the sad part of this all is that once you've done it, the bond will never be the same again. Yes, your wife might forgive you and all, but no, it will NEVER, ever be the same.